Its been 17 years today since my dad died. Can't believe its been that long. Feels like yesterday and at the same time it feels like 30 years ago. It gets easier but never goes away. Like Andy quitting smoking 17 years ago...it gets easier but never goes away.
Been tired lately. Hopefully not getting sick. Everyone seems to have the flu.
I guess thats it.
Need to blog more. Get back in the swing...
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
The first day of the rest of my life?
I stopped taking birth control pills on Sunday. WTF am I thinking?
Monday, September 29, 2014
Dreaming about waves
Every once in a while I dream about waves. Big waves. At the ocean. I am on the shore usually and the water comes. It doesn't drown me but surrounds me. I am not harmed and I feel calm and at ease. Last nights dream was about Andy's aunt and cousin in the waves. They were *possibly* being washed out to sea. You could see them in the surf but they were drifting out and coming back in, then drifting and coming back. The water was clear, you could see them enjoying the waves but everyone on shore was scared for their safety. Toward the end of the dream, Andy said he was going out to see if he could bring them in. Then I woke up.
From dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary:
From dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary:
To see clear, calm
waves in your dream, signify renewal and clarity. You are reflecting on some
important life decision that needs to be made. Alternatively, if you are riding
a wave, then it indicates that you are trying to get a handle on your emotions.
Waves also symbolize potential and power.
To hear waves
crashing in your dream indicates tenderness and relaxation. It also brings about
feelings of sensuality, sexuality and tranquility.
To dream that you
are caught in a tidal wave represents an overwhelming emotional issue that
demands your attention. You may have been keeping your feelings and negative
emotions bottled up inside for too long. You may be holding back tears that you
are afraid to express in your waking life. On a positive note, the tidal wave
symbolizes the clearing away of old habits. If you are carried away by the tidal
wave, then it means that you are ready to make a brand new start in a new place.
To see muddy,
violent waves in your dream indicate a fatal error in an important
decision.
Dreaming
that a wave hits your boat and knocks you into the water means that you are
letting your emotions guide your decisions. Perhaps you are acting too
irrationally.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
alone
It's been quite a while since my last blog. So much has happened yet everything is the same.
Andy is in SC. His Dad is dying. I so wish I could be there, and at the same time I am glad I am not. I want to say goodbye. I want to see his Dad one more time, but at the same time, I know they are having some very precious family time right now. I know I would be welcome. But I think it is important that Andy is there by himself. He said yesterday that he had a chance to talk to his Dad. He didn't say about what and I didn't ask. He said that his Dad asked about me...and made sure to tell Andy he didn't ask about any of his other daughters-in-law. Is it wrong to want to be the favorite daughter-in-law? I know I am, but is it wrong to want to be? I know he knows I love Andy and I know he knows that our love is real and strong like his and Mom's (Barb, my mother-in-law). I know I am the favorite and I wish I was there. I hope he knows that. He does. I feel it.
I feel that Andy and Jeff are having some bonding time too. I think Dave has checked out and I don't know what that is going to do for the relationship between the brothers. Dave and Jeff have been fighting for months. Andy tried to intervene. Do it for the sake of Mom and Gram and Dad for as long as Dad and Gram are alive. It fell on deaf ears. With Dave anyway. Jeff would make good for the sake of his Mom and Gram. Dave went to a concert last night. Really? Your Dad is dying! I guess everyone has their own way of coping. Andy and Jeff are there getting their Dad out of bed and getting him to the commode and are there with him and where is Dave? At a concert? He is even posting on Facebook like his Dad is gone already. He got in his Mom's face about the 357 Magnum. Said he was the firstborn and he is entitled to it. Andy has wanted that gun for years. Not because its a gun. Because its his Dad's gun. Andy did tell me part of the conversation he had with his Dad was that his Dad said to get that gun out of the house any way he had to. He wants Andy to have it. That means a lot to Andy. His Dad knows how special it is to him. I am glad his Dad wants him to have it. Andy told me yesterday he would never talk to David again to have that gun. I believe him. I hope it doesn't come to that...
All this makes me nervous. Andy's Grandfather died young (in his early 70s) from cancer. His dad is in his 60s with cancer. I want Andy to live forever. I can't say goodbye to him so young. My dad died when he was 63. Too young. We have to live until we are OLD. I want to grow OLD with him. I cannot fathom life without him. EVER. I know I wouldn't give my heart to anyone else. Even if it were tomorrow. I couldn't. I don't want to think about it. But I do. I hate it. I hate thinking it. It can never be.
So what will happen? Are his Gram and Mom going to move here? Will Jeff and Peggy and the kids move up here? Will we move there? Questions I never thought I would even ask...the future seems so uncertain.
And a baby. Who will take care of us when we get old if we never have kids? Is it too late? How could we afford it?
Sometimes I just want to wake up in a different world. Live somewhere else, working at a different job, with a different life completely...
Things to remember: crying for 2 days now, being scared to sleep alone, winter never ending, amazing Thai chicken curry that I wouldn't have made if Andy were here because he hates curry. I wish he were here...<3
Andy is in SC. His Dad is dying. I so wish I could be there, and at the same time I am glad I am not. I want to say goodbye. I want to see his Dad one more time, but at the same time, I know they are having some very precious family time right now. I know I would be welcome. But I think it is important that Andy is there by himself. He said yesterday that he had a chance to talk to his Dad. He didn't say about what and I didn't ask. He said that his Dad asked about me...and made sure to tell Andy he didn't ask about any of his other daughters-in-law. Is it wrong to want to be the favorite daughter-in-law? I know I am, but is it wrong to want to be? I know he knows I love Andy and I know he knows that our love is real and strong like his and Mom's (Barb, my mother-in-law). I know I am the favorite and I wish I was there. I hope he knows that. He does. I feel it.
I feel that Andy and Jeff are having some bonding time too. I think Dave has checked out and I don't know what that is going to do for the relationship between the brothers. Dave and Jeff have been fighting for months. Andy tried to intervene. Do it for the sake of Mom and Gram and Dad for as long as Dad and Gram are alive. It fell on deaf ears. With Dave anyway. Jeff would make good for the sake of his Mom and Gram. Dave went to a concert last night. Really? Your Dad is dying! I guess everyone has their own way of coping. Andy and Jeff are there getting their Dad out of bed and getting him to the commode and are there with him and where is Dave? At a concert? He is even posting on Facebook like his Dad is gone already. He got in his Mom's face about the 357 Magnum. Said he was the firstborn and he is entitled to it. Andy has wanted that gun for years. Not because its a gun. Because its his Dad's gun. Andy did tell me part of the conversation he had with his Dad was that his Dad said to get that gun out of the house any way he had to. He wants Andy to have it. That means a lot to Andy. His Dad knows how special it is to him. I am glad his Dad wants him to have it. Andy told me yesterday he would never talk to David again to have that gun. I believe him. I hope it doesn't come to that...
All this makes me nervous. Andy's Grandfather died young (in his early 70s) from cancer. His dad is in his 60s with cancer. I want Andy to live forever. I can't say goodbye to him so young. My dad died when he was 63. Too young. We have to live until we are OLD. I want to grow OLD with him. I cannot fathom life without him. EVER. I know I wouldn't give my heart to anyone else. Even if it were tomorrow. I couldn't. I don't want to think about it. But I do. I hate it. I hate thinking it. It can never be.
So what will happen? Are his Gram and Mom going to move here? Will Jeff and Peggy and the kids move up here? Will we move there? Questions I never thought I would even ask...the future seems so uncertain.
And a baby. Who will take care of us when we get old if we never have kids? Is it too late? How could we afford it?
Sometimes I just want to wake up in a different world. Live somewhere else, working at a different job, with a different life completely...
Things to remember: crying for 2 days now, being scared to sleep alone, winter never ending, amazing Thai chicken curry that I wouldn't have made if Andy were here because he hates curry. I wish he were here...<3
Thursday, January 10, 2013
10 days in
10 days in and no resolutions, no new programs, nothing changed at all really. Well, not entirely.
I feel really good about where this year will take me even if it hasn't begun its changes yet. I love the store I am at and seriously love my job right now. I have more vacation time this year than I know what to do with. I am taking almost a week off (6 days, Mon-Sat) at the end of the month and that is just using my "Comp time" from last year. This year, I get 22 PTO days (paid time off) and an additional 6 comp days for various holidays that we used to just get paid for. So now I have 28 days to use before Octoberish. The cutoff for a full week off is October 1 but I could save a few to use as a day or two here and there up until Nov 15 or so. That is 5 weeks vacation plus 3 days! Ah...glory!
So one week in January. Followed by possible jury duty in February. Then maybe a week off in April to visit the family and hopefully coincide with Doug's wedding celebration. Then who knows...June, July, August...all of them?
I haven't checked into Massage school yet, probably will do that the week I am off if I can't get an appointment with financial aid sooner. I just need to fill out the FASFA and figure out how much I need to come up with and if I can. Andy needs to get a job and I think we will be OK. Nothing is paying much right now but even $10/hr is better than nothing. Its been a month with no u/e and its ok but it could be a lot better, ya know? Plus I have made mention of going back to school at work and no one seems shocked or angry that I want to persue a career other than BBW.
The treadmill. Haven't gotten on it yet but really plan to this weekend. I am off and we are going to the Falls with Brad and Erika to celebrate Erika's birthday on Saturday and then Sunday I would like to start fresh. Even if its just 10-15 min a day to start. Its a start.
Excited about having Brad and Erika over on Saturday. Erika requested Mexican so I am making queso in my new fondue maker, and the usual salsa and guac and Andy requested pollo fundido so we are going to try that. It was his favorite at Julio Gs...shredded chicken mixed with cream cheese and rolled in a tortilla then deep fried, covered in more cheese and then baked. Low fat, no but delicious yes.
I have been trying to eat better. No more food court at the mall and trying to eat a little healthier when I bring lunch. And water, no sugary drinks. And V8.
The best news ever tonight too. Jim found a new place (hopefully) and wants to be out by Feb 15! That is the best lifechanging news ever. Our lives will be ours again. I love Jim and have been glad to have been there when he needed a place and wish him the best, but it will be so nice to have our own house back again! So nice!
Oh, and that baby thing...well, one step at a time. Jim out, Andy back to work, me in school...its all falling into place and I couldn't be happier.
Thanks lucky #13! Oh, and to top it off...the Bills have a new coach (not crossing my fingers tho, and the NHL finally struck a deal and will be back in play soon! Maybe they will be at home the week I am off and we can go to a game!
And did I mention we are "this close" to making bonus this quarter at work? We were $20k in the hole and now we are only $1k down and we are totally going to make that up by the end of the week...which means the biggest bonus check I have had since like 2008!
I love no funsuckers and all that this year has to offer!
Things to remember: making salsa in AZ and having the Tessiers over for a swim followed by Andy using his chip to clean off the salsa dripping down his chest, Julio Gs, thoughts of beaches and vacations, feelings of inspiration
I feel really good about where this year will take me even if it hasn't begun its changes yet. I love the store I am at and seriously love my job right now. I have more vacation time this year than I know what to do with. I am taking almost a week off (6 days, Mon-Sat) at the end of the month and that is just using my "Comp time" from last year. This year, I get 22 PTO days (paid time off) and an additional 6 comp days for various holidays that we used to just get paid for. So now I have 28 days to use before Octoberish. The cutoff for a full week off is October 1 but I could save a few to use as a day or two here and there up until Nov 15 or so. That is 5 weeks vacation plus 3 days! Ah...glory!
So one week in January. Followed by possible jury duty in February. Then maybe a week off in April to visit the family and hopefully coincide with Doug's wedding celebration. Then who knows...June, July, August...all of them?
I haven't checked into Massage school yet, probably will do that the week I am off if I can't get an appointment with financial aid sooner. I just need to fill out the FASFA and figure out how much I need to come up with and if I can. Andy needs to get a job and I think we will be OK. Nothing is paying much right now but even $10/hr is better than nothing. Its been a month with no u/e and its ok but it could be a lot better, ya know? Plus I have made mention of going back to school at work and no one seems shocked or angry that I want to persue a career other than BBW.
The treadmill. Haven't gotten on it yet but really plan to this weekend. I am off and we are going to the Falls with Brad and Erika to celebrate Erika's birthday on Saturday and then Sunday I would like to start fresh. Even if its just 10-15 min a day to start. Its a start.
Excited about having Brad and Erika over on Saturday. Erika requested Mexican so I am making queso in my new fondue maker, and the usual salsa and guac and Andy requested pollo fundido so we are going to try that. It was his favorite at Julio Gs...shredded chicken mixed with cream cheese and rolled in a tortilla then deep fried, covered in more cheese and then baked. Low fat, no but delicious yes.
I have been trying to eat better. No more food court at the mall and trying to eat a little healthier when I bring lunch. And water, no sugary drinks. And V8.
The best news ever tonight too. Jim found a new place (hopefully) and wants to be out by Feb 15! That is the best lifechanging news ever. Our lives will be ours again. I love Jim and have been glad to have been there when he needed a place and wish him the best, but it will be so nice to have our own house back again! So nice!
Oh, and that baby thing...well, one step at a time. Jim out, Andy back to work, me in school...its all falling into place and I couldn't be happier.
Thanks lucky #13! Oh, and to top it off...the Bills have a new coach (not crossing my fingers tho, and the NHL finally struck a deal and will be back in play soon! Maybe they will be at home the week I am off and we can go to a game!
And did I mention we are "this close" to making bonus this quarter at work? We were $20k in the hole and now we are only $1k down and we are totally going to make that up by the end of the week...which means the biggest bonus check I have had since like 2008!
I love no funsuckers and all that this year has to offer!
Things to remember: making salsa in AZ and having the Tessiers over for a swim followed by Andy using his chip to clean off the salsa dripping down his chest, Julio Gs, thoughts of beaches and vacations, feelings of inspiration
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
SAD
SAD
Seasonal affective disorder. Positive I have it. I get it just after my birthday every year. Before Thanksgiving. Maybe it is retail. I don't remember always having it. I used to like winter...not the snow or cold but the season. Ice skating with Andy, watching the snow fall, even Christmas kind of. Now I get drunk every Christmas Eve and that doesn't even make me happy.
So I have to move on. I have to get out of retail. I have to tell work I am going back to school in the spring. I have to. I cannot hold off anymore. I need this. I need to not be depressed from November to February. Even Andy knows. He says little things like "I did this for you so you could just relax when you got home from work". Ugh! I hate being pitied...I hate that he knows I am depressed. I try and hide it but I guess not that well.
I can still laugh and still have a good time. I just laughed at TMZ. I went out for dinner with Bri tonight and we laughed. I even have fun at work. I don't know what it is...I just hate this time of year. I want to be in the commercial (Lexus maybe) where the family loads into the SUV, drives the winding winter roads and arrives at the log cabin in the woods all lit up for Christmas. I wanna sit in said log cabin and drink eggnog by the fire and watch the snow fall...it could snow two feet and I wouldn't fucking care! Just no more retail!
Need to make the change. Suck it up. Figure out a way to go back to school and afford it. No vacations for a while. No going out. Less concerts. But happier in the long run.
But then factor in a kid...no more anything. I have no more freedom. No sleeping in. No fancy vacations. No nothing. But it would be rewarding. Right? Then someone would take care of me when I am old. Right?
We need to talk to a financial advisor and figure out our finances. We need a savings. We need a budget. We have nothing except my 401k. What if we had a kid? How would we afford it? How would we retire...granted that is 30 years away...UGH!
On a happier note Andy did get the letter from the state that he passed the test and is on the list for a job with the DDSO. That would be awesome. A state job. State benefits. A future for our not even conceived child.
And Christmas decorating. I pulled all of it out. No desire to put it up.
And hunting season. Andy is leaving for the next 4 days to hunt with the boys in Pike. Fantastic. Sleeping alone for 4 days. All while Jim will probably have to put Cassidy down in the next few days. That will be fun to deal with. Yes he probably should have done it last week and a thousand dollars ago. But he didn't and she is still puking. Everywhere. These carpets are trashed.
So tis the season...ho ho ho. Bah humbug.
I can't wait til February.
Things to remember: the good times with Cass, chugging saki at Kyoto with Bri, Coldstone, making beef stew for the hunting crew, wanting Christmas to be over
Seasonal affective disorder. Positive I have it. I get it just after my birthday every year. Before Thanksgiving. Maybe it is retail. I don't remember always having it. I used to like winter...not the snow or cold but the season. Ice skating with Andy, watching the snow fall, even Christmas kind of. Now I get drunk every Christmas Eve and that doesn't even make me happy.
So I have to move on. I have to get out of retail. I have to tell work I am going back to school in the spring. I have to. I cannot hold off anymore. I need this. I need to not be depressed from November to February. Even Andy knows. He says little things like "I did this for you so you could just relax when you got home from work". Ugh! I hate being pitied...I hate that he knows I am depressed. I try and hide it but I guess not that well.
I can still laugh and still have a good time. I just laughed at TMZ. I went out for dinner with Bri tonight and we laughed. I even have fun at work. I don't know what it is...I just hate this time of year. I want to be in the commercial (Lexus maybe) where the family loads into the SUV, drives the winding winter roads and arrives at the log cabin in the woods all lit up for Christmas. I wanna sit in said log cabin and drink eggnog by the fire and watch the snow fall...it could snow two feet and I wouldn't fucking care! Just no more retail!
Need to make the change. Suck it up. Figure out a way to go back to school and afford it. No vacations for a while. No going out. Less concerts. But happier in the long run.
But then factor in a kid...no more anything. I have no more freedom. No sleeping in. No fancy vacations. No nothing. But it would be rewarding. Right? Then someone would take care of me when I am old. Right?
We need to talk to a financial advisor and figure out our finances. We need a savings. We need a budget. We have nothing except my 401k. What if we had a kid? How would we afford it? How would we retire...granted that is 30 years away...UGH!
On a happier note Andy did get the letter from the state that he passed the test and is on the list for a job with the DDSO. That would be awesome. A state job. State benefits. A future for our not even conceived child.
And Christmas decorating. I pulled all of it out. No desire to put it up.
And hunting season. Andy is leaving for the next 4 days to hunt with the boys in Pike. Fantastic. Sleeping alone for 4 days. All while Jim will probably have to put Cassidy down in the next few days. That will be fun to deal with. Yes he probably should have done it last week and a thousand dollars ago. But he didn't and she is still puking. Everywhere. These carpets are trashed.
So tis the season...ho ho ho. Bah humbug.
I can't wait til February.
Things to remember: the good times with Cass, chugging saki at Kyoto with Bri, Coldstone, making beef stew for the hunting crew, wanting Christmas to be over
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
closure
Dear Nicole,
I wanted to send you a note to wish you a happy
birthday.
I know we have drifted apart the last few years and I think
I was secretly hoping that your relationship with Doug would somehow bring us
back together and instead it just intensified the differences between us. We are on different paths in life, and have
different views on things, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wish the
best for you now and always.
I was happy to hear your docs were on the track to get you
better and hope that your good health continues.
Happy birthday (a little early),
Amanda
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