SAD
Seasonal affective disorder. Positive I have it. I get it just after my birthday every year. Before Thanksgiving. Maybe it is retail. I don't remember always having it. I used to like winter...not the snow or cold but the season. Ice skating with Andy, watching the snow fall, even Christmas kind of. Now I get drunk every Christmas Eve and that doesn't even make me happy.
So I have to move on. I have to get out of retail. I have to tell work I am going back to school in the spring. I have to. I cannot hold off anymore. I need this. I need to not be depressed from November to February. Even Andy knows. He says little things like "I did this for you so you could just relax when you got home from work". Ugh! I hate being pitied...I hate that he knows I am depressed. I try and hide it but I guess not that well.
I can still laugh and still have a good time. I just laughed at TMZ. I went out for dinner with Bri tonight and we laughed. I even have fun at work. I don't know what it is...I just hate this time of year. I want to be in the commercial (Lexus maybe) where the family loads into the SUV, drives the winding winter roads and arrives at the log cabin in the woods all lit up for Christmas. I wanna sit in said log cabin and drink eggnog by the fire and watch the snow fall...it could snow two feet and I wouldn't fucking care! Just no more retail!
Need to make the change. Suck it up. Figure out a way to go back to school and afford it. No vacations for a while. No going out. Less concerts. But happier in the long run.
But then factor in a kid...no more anything. I have no more freedom. No sleeping in. No fancy vacations. No nothing. But it would be rewarding. Right? Then someone would take care of me when I am old. Right?
We need to talk to a financial advisor and figure out our finances. We need a savings. We need a budget. We have nothing except my 401k. What if we had a kid? How would we afford it? How would we retire...granted that is 30 years away...UGH!
On a happier note Andy did get the letter from the state that he passed the test and is on the list for a job with the DDSO. That would be awesome. A state job. State benefits. A future for our not even conceived child.
And Christmas decorating. I pulled all of it out. No desire to put it up.
And hunting season. Andy is leaving for the next 4 days to hunt with the boys in Pike. Fantastic. Sleeping alone for 4 days. All while Jim will probably have to put Cassidy down in the next few days. That will be fun to deal with. Yes he probably should have done it last week and a thousand dollars ago. But he didn't and she is still puking. Everywhere. These carpets are trashed.
So tis the season...ho ho ho. Bah humbug.
I can't wait til February.
Things to remember: the good times with Cass, chugging saki at Kyoto with Bri, Coldstone, making beef stew for the hunting crew, wanting Christmas to be over
