alone

It's been quite a while since my last blog.  So much has happened yet everything is the same.

Andy is in SC.  His Dad is dying.  I so wish I could be there, and at the same time I am glad I am not.  I want to say goodbye.  I want to see his Dad one more time, but at the same time, I know they are having some very precious family time right now.  I know I would be welcome.  But I think it is important that Andy is there by himself.  He said yesterday that he had a chance to talk to his Dad.  He didn't say about what and I didn't ask.  He said that his Dad asked about me...and made sure to tell Andy he didn't ask about any of his other daughters-in-law.  Is it wrong to want to be the favorite daughter-in-law?  I know I am, but is it wrong to want to be?  I know he knows I love Andy and I know he knows that our love is real and strong like his and Mom's (Barb, my mother-in-law).  I know I am the favorite and I wish I was there.  I hope he knows that.  He does.  I feel it.

I feel that Andy and Jeff are having some bonding time too. I think Dave has checked out and I don't know what that is going to do for the relationship between the brothers.  Dave and Jeff have been fighting for months.  Andy tried to intervene.  Do it for the sake of Mom and Gram and Dad for as long as Dad and Gram are alive.  It fell on deaf ears.  With Dave anyway.  Jeff would make good for the sake of his Mom and Gram.  Dave went to a concert last night.  Really?  Your Dad is dying!  I guess everyone has their own way of coping.  Andy and Jeff are there getting their Dad out of bed and getting him to the commode and are there with him and where is Dave?  At a concert?  He is even posting on Facebook like his Dad is gone already.  He got in his Mom's face about the 357 Magnum.   Said he was the firstborn and he is entitled to it.  Andy has wanted that gun for years.  Not because its a gun.  Because its his Dad's gun.  Andy did tell me part of the conversation he had with his Dad was that his Dad said to get that gun out of the house any way he had to.  He wants Andy to have it.  That means a lot to Andy.  His Dad knows how special it is to him.  I am glad his Dad wants him to have it.  Andy told me yesterday he would never talk to David again to have that gun.  I believe him.  I hope it doesn't come to that...

All this makes me nervous.  Andy's Grandfather died young (in his early 70s) from cancer.  His dad is in his 60s with cancer.  I want Andy to live forever.  I can't say goodbye to him so young.  My dad died when he was 63.  Too young.  We have to live until we are OLD.  I want to grow OLD with him.  I cannot fathom life without him.  EVER.  I know I wouldn't give my heart to anyone else.  Even if it were tomorrow.  I couldn't.  I don't want to think about it.  But I do.  I hate it.  I hate thinking it.  It can never be.

So what will happen?  Are his Gram and Mom going to move here?  Will Jeff and Peggy and the kids move up here?  Will we move there?  Questions I never thought I would even ask...the future seems so uncertain.

And a baby.  Who will take care of us when we get old if we never have kids?  Is it too late?  How could we afford it?

Sometimes I just want to wake up in a different world.  Live somewhere else, working at a different job, with a different life completely...

Things to remember:  crying for 2 days now, being scared to sleep alone, winter never ending, amazing Thai chicken curry that I wouldn't have made if Andy were here because he hates curry.  I wish he were here...<3