emotionally drained

5am wake up
6am get to Roswell and check in at admissions
7am wait with Paul in pre-op
7:30am say our goodbyes and send him to the OR...6 hours for surgery
8am breakfast
9am phone call saying tooth extraction went well, sending samples for testing, all going well
10am waiting
11am samples back, no cancer in the lymph nodes, still doing well, proceeding with surgery
12pm waiting
1pm waiting
2pm taking longer than planned, everything going well still
3pm waiting
4pm waiting
5pm doc comes out finally, everything went well, complications possible with vocal chords, tumor was very close and there may be damage...watch for fluid buildup in the lung cavity, because of tooth extraction could be more prone to infection, come in right away...another patient died because he didnt want to come to the hospital...if any sign of infection (coughing blood/mucous come in!!!)  sending to ICU should be able to see him soon...could go home early next week, additional pathology reports should be available by then
6pm low blood pressure, sweating...he maybe had a heart attack on the table?  trying to stabalize...might need to send him to Buffalo General to get a cardiac catheter...will let you know
7pm stabalized...you should be able to go back in 15 min or so, all well, doc goes home
7:30pm call nurse...can we come back?
7:45pm different doc comes out...very serious arythmia (but not that word something else)...still trying to stabalize.  might be a while...an hour?  two?  could still need catheter...we will call you and let you know
9pm stable for now...everything trending better...you can come back and see him but he is on a respirator so he can't talk but you can talk to him

monitors, tubes, bags, cords, beeps, glassy eyes, head nods, tears...

when we talk he wants to talk back...heart monitor beeps...nurse says he is stable, if we leave she will sedate him and he can rest and so can we...so we go

and we wait

Things to remember:  driving to the hospital at 5:45am as the sun came up, sunflowers in the cafeteria, piano and harps playing in the lobby, watching a spider weave a web on the outside of the waiting room window on the 8th floor, the Buffalo skyline, losing it when I went in the ICU room, hearing "time of your life (good riddance)" on the ride home, skinny dogs