I haven't had time to do a Christmas countdown but I guess its not too late to start...3 more days! It hasn't really been that bad this year. Knock on wood...almost done with shopping except for a couple of things. No ideas of anything decent for Andy...as usual. I was going to get him one nice thing and of course I come home today and there are like 10 presents wrapped under the tree for me. Great...I can only think of 2 things to get him that aren't really great ideas at all...now I have to think of 8 more. I don't think so...
Then there are the girls at work...giftcards? ugh...hate buying things for people! Brianna could use a giftcard to a supermarket or Target or something...same with Kristie. Both college students living on their own...tight budgets...grocery money would come in handy I am sure. Veronica lives at home, likes Applebees...I guess that would be ok for her. They would all definitely use them...just seems impersonal. I mean I spend more time with these people than I do with Andy...oh well. They will be happy with what they get.
Took mom shopping and she is done too. Amazing how she can spend all that money in a short amount of time but she got all the presents she needed to get except for one I can pick up for her tomorrow and she has everything she needs for our Christmas Eve party except for beer and ice. Tomorrow she makes her Polish mushroom soup and some lima beans and cabbage for my uncle who loves it...then Friday she will make the dumplings for the soup and cook the Polish sausage and probably the onions for the pierogis. I do love my Polish Christmas eve celebration! Makes it all worthwhile and for me its really what its all about. Santa comes, we eat good Polish food, get drunk and happy...love it!
Then a few days after Christmas Doug and the kids will be here...another thing to look forward to! And then New Years! I do love New Years Eve...not for any other reason than I like to entertain...cook nice food like prime rib and crab, have some nice appetizers, have a nice bubbly and then spend New Years Day lounging around. A nice way to start off the new year. I hope its a good one. I don't even know who will be coming New Years Eve...could be just me and Andy, could be a few couples, could be a group with kids too. All I know is I am looking forward to it.
I also love no snow. Some for color on the ground and trees when I wake up Christmas morning would be nice as long as it melts by noon but otherwise I am ok without it.
Had a nice time with mom today...went shopping at the mall, then to the liquor store to get what she needs for the party and then a fabulous dinner at Saigon Bangkok to top it all off! Yummy and I have leftovers for work tomorrow!
Things to remember: Trivento Torrentes wine we had with dinner...gotta get it! Having no idea what to get the man I have been with for 20 years. 55 degrees 4 days before Christmas in Buffalo. Dogs sleeping with Andy on the couch. A calm feeling this year...and its nice.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
a new hope
So the texts with Nicole have been getting more and more normal. I dread seeing her tomorrow. I cried some of the way home. I have never missed her so much. I hope we can work this out and I think we will. Andy saw her yesterday and told her how much of a basketcase I have been since this whole thing blew up on Friday...how I spent the entire day sobbing to him that he could be my best friend for the rest of our lives since I just lost mine. He said she felt bad that I feel that way. He thinks she will want to talk after the wake tomorrow. I don't know about that. Too much going on. In time. It will work out.
She feels I chose Doug's side. I tried to be non biased and maybe I wasn't or at least didn't come across that way. She said that I never told her to stick up for herself and just told her to keep quiet or she would lose Doug. I don't know how that came across in translation. From the beginning when she first told me about the issues they were having back around April or so I told her to see a professional to help her deal with/communicate with Doug. I have no experience dealing with someone who is depressed or has anxiety or whatever it is that Doug has that causes him to lose his temper with her. And I don't have any experience with Doug being that way...I wouldn't have signed her up with that! So for sure I knew something was up...she wouldn't make up a story like that or be so upset over nothing. So I told her back in April to see someone herself to deal with his illness. I gave her some suggestions on how to talk to him, what to do, etc. But she said she had tried everything and that he would just get more and more enraged. So, I don't know what to tell you...talk to a counselor who can give you some real advice. No time. I think that was the first excuse. I may have gotten a maybe. But I could tell it wasn't what she wanted to hear.
Then more conversations. Same advice...see someone. However you are dealing with it, trying to communicate with Doug its not working. You should maybe see someone. No time...too much going on and whatever other excuses. I blogged about not being heard.
Then in the kitchen when Andy was making biscuits. Nicole I really think you should talk to someone about this. I don't know what advice to give you. Nothing I say is going to help you because I don't have experience in this. Try not to talk about things that stress him out. But in the meantime, talk to someone...Then the excuse that she is afraid to talk to someone because they might tell her to break up with him. I don't think so...I think you should talk to someone.
I don't remember saying, just let Doug yell at you and make you feel like shit and cry otherwise you may lose him. In fact I remember Andy and I both saying to her, "the Nicole I know wouldn't take shit from anyone so why is Doug any different? Hang up on him when he's being an asshole!!!".
I don't know how it got lost in translation but somehow she feels that because I didn't chose either side, it means I didn't choose her side and that is what matters. I told her I didn't know what came first, the chicken or the egg. Did Doug's anger make her depressed? Or was she depressed and that made Doug angry? I don't know...all I know is he is seeing someone and not getting anywhere really so maybe you should see someone to see if there is something you can do to help him. To better communicate with him. To ??? I don't know.
Ugh. What a clusterfuck. I hope it will work out for everyone and I am sure it will. I just hate knowing that is what she thinks. That I think she is crazy and the cause of all of this. Not at all what I intended. I was hoping that she would find some strength to stick up for herself and take some time for herself because she has never been able to.
So here I sit. 2am. Dreading the wake tomorrow but anxiously awaiting it to be overwith. I want my friend back. Its been so long. Doug wrote me a long note about how he was sorry I was in the middle of all of this. I wouldn't take anything back. Things happen for a reason. We are all friends for a reason. This came to head for a reason. Grampa died right now for a reason. To bring everyone together? Was it a wake up call? I hope so.
A new hope.
things to remember: feeling the texts getting less awkward, missing Andy and hoping hunting season is coming to an end soon, having a fabulous time yesterday seeing Vic before he goes back to Thailand, secretly liking that Andy was jealous that Vic kissed me goodbye
She feels I chose Doug's side. I tried to be non biased and maybe I wasn't or at least didn't come across that way. She said that I never told her to stick up for herself and just told her to keep quiet or she would lose Doug. I don't know how that came across in translation. From the beginning when she first told me about the issues they were having back around April or so I told her to see a professional to help her deal with/communicate with Doug. I have no experience dealing with someone who is depressed or has anxiety or whatever it is that Doug has that causes him to lose his temper with her. And I don't have any experience with Doug being that way...I wouldn't have signed her up with that! So for sure I knew something was up...she wouldn't make up a story like that or be so upset over nothing. So I told her back in April to see someone herself to deal with his illness. I gave her some suggestions on how to talk to him, what to do, etc. But she said she had tried everything and that he would just get more and more enraged. So, I don't know what to tell you...talk to a counselor who can give you some real advice. No time. I think that was the first excuse. I may have gotten a maybe. But I could tell it wasn't what she wanted to hear.
Then more conversations. Same advice...see someone. However you are dealing with it, trying to communicate with Doug its not working. You should maybe see someone. No time...too much going on and whatever other excuses. I blogged about not being heard.
Then in the kitchen when Andy was making biscuits. Nicole I really think you should talk to someone about this. I don't know what advice to give you. Nothing I say is going to help you because I don't have experience in this. Try not to talk about things that stress him out. But in the meantime, talk to someone...Then the excuse that she is afraid to talk to someone because they might tell her to break up with him. I don't think so...I think you should talk to someone.
I don't remember saying, just let Doug yell at you and make you feel like shit and cry otherwise you may lose him. In fact I remember Andy and I both saying to her, "the Nicole I know wouldn't take shit from anyone so why is Doug any different? Hang up on him when he's being an asshole!!!".
I don't know how it got lost in translation but somehow she feels that because I didn't chose either side, it means I didn't choose her side and that is what matters. I told her I didn't know what came first, the chicken or the egg. Did Doug's anger make her depressed? Or was she depressed and that made Doug angry? I don't know...all I know is he is seeing someone and not getting anywhere really so maybe you should see someone to see if there is something you can do to help him. To better communicate with him. To ??? I don't know.
Ugh. What a clusterfuck. I hope it will work out for everyone and I am sure it will. I just hate knowing that is what she thinks. That I think she is crazy and the cause of all of this. Not at all what I intended. I was hoping that she would find some strength to stick up for herself and take some time for herself because she has never been able to.
So here I sit. 2am. Dreading the wake tomorrow but anxiously awaiting it to be overwith. I want my friend back. Its been so long. Doug wrote me a long note about how he was sorry I was in the middle of all of this. I wouldn't take anything back. Things happen for a reason. We are all friends for a reason. This came to head for a reason. Grampa died right now for a reason. To bring everyone together? Was it a wake up call? I hope so.
A new hope.
things to remember: feeling the texts getting less awkward, missing Andy and hoping hunting season is coming to an end soon, having a fabulous time yesterday seeing Vic before he goes back to Thailand, secretly liking that Andy was jealous that Vic kissed me goodbye
Sunday, December 4, 2011
insomnia
Midnight and I have to be up at 6am and here I sit. Shitty weekend for sure. Still not sure what is going on...does she hate me? Will they get back together? Grampa died today. According to her peacefully. I hope so. And now the funeral. I hate funerals. I am off Wednesday so I am hoping it will be Wednesday. Not sure if I will be able to change my schedule if it isn't. I am sure I will be able to figure out something.
Jim got dumped today too. Poor guy. He had a really great date a few weeks ago with a new girl and then the old girlfriend caught wind of it and begged him to come back and he did. And then she dumped him AGAIN! Ugh! Bitch! He had a ton of stuff planned for their 1 year dating anniversary from dinner to limo rides to hotel rooms...she loves him but she isn't "in love" with him. What does that even mean?
Finally bought my first Christmas present today. I really hate this holiday. Buying useless gifts for people to let them know you love them. Can't we just say I love you and have dinner together or go to the movies or something? ugh
I just want December to be over.
Things to remember: having a really fun day at work despite all the other issues going on in my life. The picture of my mom and Santa that made me smile. Wondering why shitty things happen to such good people. Insomnia
Jim got dumped today too. Poor guy. He had a really great date a few weeks ago with a new girl and then the old girlfriend caught wind of it and begged him to come back and he did. And then she dumped him AGAIN! Ugh! Bitch! He had a ton of stuff planned for their 1 year dating anniversary from dinner to limo rides to hotel rooms...she loves him but she isn't "in love" with him. What does that even mean?
Finally bought my first Christmas present today. I really hate this holiday. Buying useless gifts for people to let them know you love them. Can't we just say I love you and have dinner together or go to the movies or something? ugh
I just want December to be over.
Things to remember: having a really fun day at work despite all the other issues going on in my life. The picture of my mom and Santa that made me smile. Wondering why shitty things happen to such good people. Insomnia
Saturday, December 3, 2011
questions about death
I have often wondered why some people die suddenly and others linger on for days suffering, or making those around them suffer? Is it because they need to suffer for what they did on this earth? Or is it because those mourning them have suffering to do so they can move to the next level?
I know many people who have died that went very suddenly (my dad for example). In my opinion a wonderful guy. Never any enemies, treated my mom well for the 40+ years they were married, loved me and my siblings, never spoke ill of anyone. So was he taken so quickly because he had no sins to suffer for and no amends to make? We didn't have an autopsy but based on some medical opinion of family and friends his heart probably just stopped and he died within a minute or so. No pain, no suffering. It was eerie looking at him in his casket because he had gone through no trauma so he looked as he always did. Just like he was sleeping. Funny kind of and as a family we had a good chuckle when we all went in to see him for the first time in the funeral parlor. He would nap on the couch in the position that they arrange people in their caskets and he would open the corner of his eye and look at you and say "this is what I will look like when I am dead" and gosh darnit he really did. LOL. Funny guy and I have no bad memories of him. Not one.
Same with my gram. Lived til almost 91? Maybe 92. Stayed married to an alcoholic for 50+ years. Dropped out of high school in 9th grade to go to work during the depression, married 4 days before her 17th birthday, raised 3 kids post WWII. She suffered and paid her dues while she was alive so she was allowed to die quietly while saying the rosary one October morning. No pain, no suffering. Just laid her head down and drifted away.
My other grandmother was a gossiper and lived til 96 or so. She was vindictive, held grudges, never told her kids she loved them, spoke terribly of her husband who she was married to for 50+ years as well and to my knowledge was a wonderful man just like his son (my dad)...she spent the last 10 years of her life in a nursing home. She was still alive when my father died so she had to suffer through losing her son. She had to have surgery and had a colostomy bag for the last 15 years of her life. Her last days were slow and painful with her organs shutting down one by one. My mother and aunt were the only ones with her at the end. And my aunt got there after she passed. Was it because of her sins on earth that she was punished with a long painful death surrounded by no one?
My cousin Dawn suffered with cancer. But her illness brought us together as a family. We would spend our evenings at the hospital and then all go to dinner afterward. I think her suffering was a way to bring us all closer together. We still go out to dinner a couple times a week when our schedules permit. And we remember Dawn and laugh about the good times. The time she went to Sinatra's with us and ordered the lasagna and ate the entire plate of it, never speaking or offering any to anyone. She said it was the best lasagna she ever ate. Its still on the menu and we still order it and say "remember the time Dawn got the lasagna..."
Then you have Nicole's grandparents. I can't understand why it took her grandmother 11 days (?) to die. She was a good woman as far as I know. Although I remember times when she was not good to Nicole. She was under the control of Nicole's mother so she verbally abused her like Geri does. But Nicole does have some great memories of her. So why did she suffer so...and why did she make Nicole suffer, and STILL suffer?
Her grandfather I can understand. He does have sins to make amends for. Cheated on her gram. Verbally abusive. But Nicole suffered with his antics all her life so why does she have to still suffer watching both her grandparents die slow painful deaths. What purpose does it serve? Is it to make her stronger? Weaker?
I just hope he dies soon so she can stop waiting and move on with her life. I was hoping she could move on with Doug. Maybe so and maybe not. Maybe time will tell. I have always secretly wanted her to be free of her grandparents. They held her back her whole life. She was a slave to them and to her mother. I was hoping after they passed that she would finally get to have a life of her own with Doug and the kids. Maybe she is destined to be alone? But why? She IS a good hearted person. She DOES just want the best for everyone and will do everything she can to make sure everyone else is happy. She is just a sad person because of all the shit she has been through her whole life. Not her fault that she is sad, but she can change it. I hope after he is gone and she finds the time on her hands that she was never allowed to have she will seek some help and do something to get on with her life and be happy.
But I fear she will slip back into being a slave to her mom. 3 houses. 2 cats. 1 dog. Everyone living separate but together in all 3 spaces. Its a mess. So much stuff. No order. Although I can't say I have ever been to her moms. She may not be as bad as Nicole with the accumulation of things. She probably is though.
1am and here I sit contemplating death. Its supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year". Well it sucks. I never really liked Christmas anyway. I did enjoy it in Arizona. It was stress free. Like any other weekend day we would have all the friends over and barbecue and sit in the hot tub and drink wine and beer and have a good time. I miss warm weather. And it isn't even cold here yet. A long December indeed if its only the 4th and I am sick of winter already. It isn't even winter according to the calendar...
All these thoughts of death have me wondering how I will die. Will I live long? Will I die before Andy? Will I die surrounded by people that love me? Will I die alone? Will I suffer or go quickly?
Someone once said to me "Don't you want to have kids so you won't be alone when you get old? Who will take care of you like you take care of your mom?". I think about it sometimes. Whether I have a kid or not I may still end up alone in a nursing home. And now I am so old, they will be 30 or so when I die, assuming I live till I am 80ish. So then they will be alone.
These are the things I think of sitting here alone wide awake after work.
Things to remember: Getting the text that Nicole's grandfather will most likely die today. Waiting all day to find out if he died. Awkward texts all day. Liking writing todays blog and remembering fondly the family that has passed before me. Wishing I was back in Arizona where life just seemed so much simpler. Glad I am in Buffalo and get to spend the holidays I hate with everyone I love.
I know many people who have died that went very suddenly (my dad for example). In my opinion a wonderful guy. Never any enemies, treated my mom well for the 40+ years they were married, loved me and my siblings, never spoke ill of anyone. So was he taken so quickly because he had no sins to suffer for and no amends to make? We didn't have an autopsy but based on some medical opinion of family and friends his heart probably just stopped and he died within a minute or so. No pain, no suffering. It was eerie looking at him in his casket because he had gone through no trauma so he looked as he always did. Just like he was sleeping. Funny kind of and as a family we had a good chuckle when we all went in to see him for the first time in the funeral parlor. He would nap on the couch in the position that they arrange people in their caskets and he would open the corner of his eye and look at you and say "this is what I will look like when I am dead" and gosh darnit he really did. LOL. Funny guy and I have no bad memories of him. Not one.
Same with my gram. Lived til almost 91? Maybe 92. Stayed married to an alcoholic for 50+ years. Dropped out of high school in 9th grade to go to work during the depression, married 4 days before her 17th birthday, raised 3 kids post WWII. She suffered and paid her dues while she was alive so she was allowed to die quietly while saying the rosary one October morning. No pain, no suffering. Just laid her head down and drifted away.
My other grandmother was a gossiper and lived til 96 or so. She was vindictive, held grudges, never told her kids she loved them, spoke terribly of her husband who she was married to for 50+ years as well and to my knowledge was a wonderful man just like his son (my dad)...she spent the last 10 years of her life in a nursing home. She was still alive when my father died so she had to suffer through losing her son. She had to have surgery and had a colostomy bag for the last 15 years of her life. Her last days were slow and painful with her organs shutting down one by one. My mother and aunt were the only ones with her at the end. And my aunt got there after she passed. Was it because of her sins on earth that she was punished with a long painful death surrounded by no one?
My cousin Dawn suffered with cancer. But her illness brought us together as a family. We would spend our evenings at the hospital and then all go to dinner afterward. I think her suffering was a way to bring us all closer together. We still go out to dinner a couple times a week when our schedules permit. And we remember Dawn and laugh about the good times. The time she went to Sinatra's with us and ordered the lasagna and ate the entire plate of it, never speaking or offering any to anyone. She said it was the best lasagna she ever ate. Its still on the menu and we still order it and say "remember the time Dawn got the lasagna..."
Then you have Nicole's grandparents. I can't understand why it took her grandmother 11 days (?) to die. She was a good woman as far as I know. Although I remember times when she was not good to Nicole. She was under the control of Nicole's mother so she verbally abused her like Geri does. But Nicole does have some great memories of her. So why did she suffer so...and why did she make Nicole suffer, and STILL suffer?
Her grandfather I can understand. He does have sins to make amends for. Cheated on her gram. Verbally abusive. But Nicole suffered with his antics all her life so why does she have to still suffer watching both her grandparents die slow painful deaths. What purpose does it serve? Is it to make her stronger? Weaker?
I just hope he dies soon so she can stop waiting and move on with her life. I was hoping she could move on with Doug. Maybe so and maybe not. Maybe time will tell. I have always secretly wanted her to be free of her grandparents. They held her back her whole life. She was a slave to them and to her mother. I was hoping after they passed that she would finally get to have a life of her own with Doug and the kids. Maybe she is destined to be alone? But why? She IS a good hearted person. She DOES just want the best for everyone and will do everything she can to make sure everyone else is happy. She is just a sad person because of all the shit she has been through her whole life. Not her fault that she is sad, but she can change it. I hope after he is gone and she finds the time on her hands that she was never allowed to have she will seek some help and do something to get on with her life and be happy.
But I fear she will slip back into being a slave to her mom. 3 houses. 2 cats. 1 dog. Everyone living separate but together in all 3 spaces. Its a mess. So much stuff. No order. Although I can't say I have ever been to her moms. She may not be as bad as Nicole with the accumulation of things. She probably is though.
1am and here I sit contemplating death. Its supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year". Well it sucks. I never really liked Christmas anyway. I did enjoy it in Arizona. It was stress free. Like any other weekend day we would have all the friends over and barbecue and sit in the hot tub and drink wine and beer and have a good time. I miss warm weather. And it isn't even cold here yet. A long December indeed if its only the 4th and I am sick of winter already. It isn't even winter according to the calendar...
All these thoughts of death have me wondering how I will die. Will I live long? Will I die before Andy? Will I die surrounded by people that love me? Will I die alone? Will I suffer or go quickly?
Someone once said to me "Don't you want to have kids so you won't be alone when you get old? Who will take care of you like you take care of your mom?". I think about it sometimes. Whether I have a kid or not I may still end up alone in a nursing home. And now I am so old, they will be 30 or so when I die, assuming I live till I am 80ish. So then they will be alone.
These are the things I think of sitting here alone wide awake after work.
Things to remember: Getting the text that Nicole's grandfather will most likely die today. Waiting all day to find out if he died. Awkward texts all day. Liking writing todays blog and remembering fondly the family that has passed before me. Wishing I was back in Arizona where life just seemed so much simpler. Glad I am in Buffalo and get to spend the holidays I hate with everyone I love.
Friday, December 2, 2011
the rollercoaster and waiting game
What a rollercoaster ride it was today. Happy to be off from work and planned to spend the day with Andy literally laying in bed. I wanted to do nothing else. Literally lay in bed all day.
Then the text...we broke up. I am done. Not moving. Ok that I can deal with. Then, the next part. I told her we all think she is depressed and needs help...oh god. The can of worms I didn't want to open. Not now.
And then the text messages. I AM NOT the one with the problem. He is mean to me. I DO NOT have issues with my grammies death...its coincidental that he started being mean then. I DO stand up for myself. It was when I started standing up for myself he got more mean. People just take advantage of a good girl when they are in need.
Then the tears. From me. Am I losing my friend? Maybe. Andy doesn't think so. I wonder. Doug couldn't take it anymore and I am right behind him. Do I spend the rest of my life just sitting there nodding my head, yes everyone picks on you, everyone is against you, everyone else is doing everything wrong but not you. Can I? Do I have the strength?
She has never really been happy since I have known her. She holds herself back from being happy. She wants to make sure everyone else is first and then she puts herself on edge and stresses herself out and makes everyone else stressed out and then we are all mean to her. Its exhausting. Sometimes you just gotta say"fuck it". Nicole can't. Gotta deal with everything. Can't not deal...can't ignore. Gotta analyze it to death. Gotta talk it out. Gotta make sure we sort it out. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you shouldn't. Sometimes you just gotta say "fuck it" and move on. She can't.
She has been bullied by everyone she cares about. She lets them bully her. She has let her mother and grammie and grampie say terrible things to her all her life. Make her feel like shit her whole life. And now Doug too? Not her fault. All theirs. Yours because you allow them to. You don't stand up for yourself you just cry. That isn't standing up for yourself. Crying isn't asking for support. Crying makes people angry because they don't know what you want they just know they want you to stop crying. Then they yell because a crybaby makes some people edgy. I can't stand crying. There is a time and a place to cry. Not everyday. If you cry everyday, every time I see about every thing we talk about...you might have some issues you need to sort out. And I am not a psychologist so I can't help you. Call me when you are done crying.
A terrible friend I am. A terrible friend is what I feel like. To turn my back on her. I have too much of my own shit going on. I deal with it on my own. I have things going on she wouldn't even fathom because I don't dwell on them. I deal with shit and move on. Things don't go my way, I pick up the pieces and move on. I try and prepare myself for the future as best I can. I make mistakes. I don't analyze to death what I "could" do. Or what if I do this, and not that and what if this happens and not the other. I take the cards I am dealt and if it comes to light that I could have done things differently then I learn from it and move on. Life is constantly changing...gotta keep moving. No time to dwell. On the past or the future. Gotta live for the present.
Maybe I am the one who is fucked up.
So happy, shock, anger, tears, anger, guilt, tears, clarity, anger, etc. It lasted all day.
The waiting game. Waiting for Christmas to be over so I can be a little less stressed at work, waiting for Grampie to die, waiting to see if we will still be friends when this all plays out, waiting to see if they will find it in themselves to try to work it out, waiting to see if Doug still wants to move here, waiting to see how resentful Andy will be about how she drove him away if he doesn't move here, waiting for this year to be over.
Things to remember: waking up at 5am and thinking about how to help her. What to say? When? That sinking feeling reading that they broke up. Crying in the shower. Crying now. Laying in bed talking to Andy about how if we have no one else we will always have each other. Not giving a shit about anything going on in our own lives but each other. If I woke up tomorrow to a different life, a different job, a different city, a different house, I would be ok as long as I have Andy.
Then the text...we broke up. I am done. Not moving. Ok that I can deal with. Then, the next part. I told her we all think she is depressed and needs help...oh god. The can of worms I didn't want to open. Not now.
And then the text messages. I AM NOT the one with the problem. He is mean to me. I DO NOT have issues with my grammies death...its coincidental that he started being mean then. I DO stand up for myself. It was when I started standing up for myself he got more mean. People just take advantage of a good girl when they are in need.
Then the tears. From me. Am I losing my friend? Maybe. Andy doesn't think so. I wonder. Doug couldn't take it anymore and I am right behind him. Do I spend the rest of my life just sitting there nodding my head, yes everyone picks on you, everyone is against you, everyone else is doing everything wrong but not you. Can I? Do I have the strength?
She has never really been happy since I have known her. She holds herself back from being happy. She wants to make sure everyone else is first and then she puts herself on edge and stresses herself out and makes everyone else stressed out and then we are all mean to her. Its exhausting. Sometimes you just gotta say"fuck it". Nicole can't. Gotta deal with everything. Can't not deal...can't ignore. Gotta analyze it to death. Gotta talk it out. Gotta make sure we sort it out. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you shouldn't. Sometimes you just gotta say "fuck it" and move on. She can't.
She has been bullied by everyone she cares about. She lets them bully her. She has let her mother and grammie and grampie say terrible things to her all her life. Make her feel like shit her whole life. And now Doug too? Not her fault. All theirs. Yours because you allow them to. You don't stand up for yourself you just cry. That isn't standing up for yourself. Crying isn't asking for support. Crying makes people angry because they don't know what you want they just know they want you to stop crying. Then they yell because a crybaby makes some people edgy. I can't stand crying. There is a time and a place to cry. Not everyday. If you cry everyday, every time I see about every thing we talk about...you might have some issues you need to sort out. And I am not a psychologist so I can't help you. Call me when you are done crying.
A terrible friend I am. A terrible friend is what I feel like. To turn my back on her. I have too much of my own shit going on. I deal with it on my own. I have things going on she wouldn't even fathom because I don't dwell on them. I deal with shit and move on. Things don't go my way, I pick up the pieces and move on. I try and prepare myself for the future as best I can. I make mistakes. I don't analyze to death what I "could" do. Or what if I do this, and not that and what if this happens and not the other. I take the cards I am dealt and if it comes to light that I could have done things differently then I learn from it and move on. Life is constantly changing...gotta keep moving. No time to dwell. On the past or the future. Gotta live for the present.
Maybe I am the one who is fucked up.
So happy, shock, anger, tears, anger, guilt, tears, clarity, anger, etc. It lasted all day.
The waiting game. Waiting for Christmas to be over so I can be a little less stressed at work, waiting for Grampie to die, waiting to see if we will still be friends when this all plays out, waiting to see if they will find it in themselves to try to work it out, waiting to see if Doug still wants to move here, waiting to see how resentful Andy will be about how she drove him away if he doesn't move here, waiting for this year to be over.
Things to remember: waking up at 5am and thinking about how to help her. What to say? When? That sinking feeling reading that they broke up. Crying in the shower. Crying now. Laying in bed talking to Andy about how if we have no one else we will always have each other. Not giving a shit about anything going on in our own lives but each other. If I woke up tomorrow to a different life, a different job, a different city, a different house, I would be ok as long as I have Andy.
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