I have often wondered why some people die suddenly and others linger on for days suffering, or making those around them suffer? Is it because they need to suffer for what they did on this earth? Or is it because those mourning them have suffering to do so they can move to the next level?
I know many people who have died that went very suddenly (my dad for example). In my opinion a wonderful guy. Never any enemies, treated my mom well for the 40+ years they were married, loved me and my siblings, never spoke ill of anyone. So was he taken so quickly because he had no sins to suffer for and no amends to make? We didn't have an autopsy but based on some medical opinion of family and friends his heart probably just stopped and he died within a minute or so. No pain, no suffering. It was eerie looking at him in his casket because he had gone through no trauma so he looked as he always did. Just like he was sleeping. Funny kind of and as a family we had a good chuckle when we all went in to see him for the first time in the funeral parlor. He would nap on the couch in the position that they arrange people in their caskets and he would open the corner of his eye and look at you and say "this is what I will look like when I am dead" and gosh darnit he really did. LOL. Funny guy and I have no bad memories of him. Not one.
Same with my gram. Lived til almost 91? Maybe 92. Stayed married to an alcoholic for 50+ years. Dropped out of high school in 9th grade to go to work during the depression, married 4 days before her 17th birthday, raised 3 kids post WWII. She suffered and paid her dues while she was alive so she was allowed to die quietly while saying the rosary one October morning. No pain, no suffering. Just laid her head down and drifted away.
My other grandmother was a gossiper and lived til 96 or so. She was vindictive, held grudges, never told her kids she loved them, spoke terribly of her husband who she was married to for 50+ years as well and to my knowledge was a wonderful man just like his son (my dad)...she spent the last 10 years of her life in a nursing home. She was still alive when my father died so she had to suffer through losing her son. She had to have surgery and had a colostomy bag for the last 15 years of her life. Her last days were slow and painful with her organs shutting down one by one. My mother and aunt were the only ones with her at the end. And my aunt got there after she passed. Was it because of her sins on earth that she was punished with a long painful death surrounded by no one?
My cousin Dawn suffered with cancer. But her illness brought us together as a family. We would spend our evenings at the hospital and then all go to dinner afterward. I think her suffering was a way to bring us all closer together. We still go out to dinner a couple times a week when our schedules permit. And we remember Dawn and laugh about the good times. The time she went to Sinatra's with us and ordered the lasagna and ate the entire plate of it, never speaking or offering any to anyone. She said it was the best lasagna she ever ate. Its still on the menu and we still order it and say "remember the time Dawn got the lasagna..."
Then you have Nicole's grandparents. I can't understand why it took her grandmother 11 days (?) to die. She was a good woman as far as I know. Although I remember times when she was not good to Nicole. She was under the control of Nicole's mother so she verbally abused her like Geri does. But Nicole does have some great memories of her. So why did she suffer so...and why did she make Nicole suffer, and STILL suffer?
Her grandfather I can understand. He does have sins to make amends for. Cheated on her gram. Verbally abusive. But Nicole suffered with his antics all her life so why does she have to still suffer watching both her grandparents die slow painful deaths. What purpose does it serve? Is it to make her stronger? Weaker?
I just hope he dies soon so she can stop waiting and move on with her life. I was hoping she could move on with Doug. Maybe so and maybe not. Maybe time will tell. I have always secretly wanted her to be free of her grandparents. They held her back her whole life. She was a slave to them and to her mother. I was hoping after they passed that she would finally get to have a life of her own with Doug and the kids. Maybe she is destined to be alone? But why? She IS a good hearted person. She DOES just want the best for everyone and will do everything she can to make sure everyone else is happy. She is just a sad person because of all the shit she has been through her whole life. Not her fault that she is sad, but she can change it. I hope after he is gone and she finds the time on her hands that she was never allowed to have she will seek some help and do something to get on with her life and be happy.
But I fear she will slip back into being a slave to her mom. 3 houses. 2 cats. 1 dog. Everyone living separate but together in all 3 spaces. Its a mess. So much stuff. No order. Although I can't say I have ever been to her moms. She may not be as bad as Nicole with the accumulation of things. She probably is though.
1am and here I sit contemplating death. Its supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year". Well it sucks. I never really liked Christmas anyway. I did enjoy it in Arizona. It was stress free. Like any other weekend day we would have all the friends over and barbecue and sit in the hot tub and drink wine and beer and have a good time. I miss warm weather. And it isn't even cold here yet. A long December indeed if its only the 4th and I am sick of winter already. It isn't even winter according to the calendar...
All these thoughts of death have me wondering how I will die. Will I live long? Will I die before Andy? Will I die surrounded by people that love me? Will I die alone? Will I suffer or go quickly?
Someone once said to me "Don't you want to have kids so you won't be alone when you get old? Who will take care of you like you take care of your mom?". I think about it sometimes. Whether I have a kid or not I may still end up alone in a nursing home. And now I am so old, they will be 30 or so when I die, assuming I live till I am 80ish. So then they will be alone.
These are the things I think of sitting here alone wide awake after work.
Things to remember: Getting the text that Nicole's grandfather will most likely die today. Waiting all day to find out if he died. Awkward texts all day. Liking writing todays blog and remembering fondly the family that has passed before me. Wishing I was back in Arizona where life just seemed so much simpler. Glad I am in Buffalo and get to spend the holidays I hate with everyone I love.
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