What a rollercoaster ride it was today. Happy to be off from work and planned to spend the day with Andy literally laying in bed. I wanted to do nothing else. Literally lay in bed all day.
Then the text...we broke up. I am done. Not moving. Ok that I can deal with. Then, the next part. I told her we all think she is depressed and needs help...oh god. The can of worms I didn't want to open. Not now.
And then the text messages. I AM NOT the one with the problem. He is mean to me. I DO NOT have issues with my grammies death...its coincidental that he started being mean then. I DO stand up for myself. It was when I started standing up for myself he got more mean. People just take advantage of a good girl when they are in need.
Then the tears. From me. Am I losing my friend? Maybe. Andy doesn't think so. I wonder. Doug couldn't take it anymore and I am right behind him. Do I spend the rest of my life just sitting there nodding my head, yes everyone picks on you, everyone is against you, everyone else is doing everything wrong but not you. Can I? Do I have the strength?
She has never really been happy since I have known her. She holds herself back from being happy. She wants to make sure everyone else is first and then she puts herself on edge and stresses herself out and makes everyone else stressed out and then we are all mean to her. Its exhausting. Sometimes you just gotta say"fuck it". Nicole can't. Gotta deal with everything. Can't not deal...can't ignore. Gotta analyze it to death. Gotta talk it out. Gotta make sure we sort it out. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes you shouldn't. Sometimes you just gotta say "fuck it" and move on. She can't.
She has been bullied by everyone she cares about. She lets them bully her. She has let her mother and grammie and grampie say terrible things to her all her life. Make her feel like shit her whole life. And now Doug too? Not her fault. All theirs. Yours because you allow them to. You don't stand up for yourself you just cry. That isn't standing up for yourself. Crying isn't asking for support. Crying makes people angry because they don't know what you want they just know they want you to stop crying. Then they yell because a crybaby makes some people edgy. I can't stand crying. There is a time and a place to cry. Not everyday. If you cry everyday, every time I see about every thing we talk about...you might have some issues you need to sort out. And I am not a psychologist so I can't help you. Call me when you are done crying.
A terrible friend I am. A terrible friend is what I feel like. To turn my back on her. I have too much of my own shit going on. I deal with it on my own. I have things going on she wouldn't even fathom because I don't dwell on them. I deal with shit and move on. Things don't go my way, I pick up the pieces and move on. I try and prepare myself for the future as best I can. I make mistakes. I don't analyze to death what I "could" do. Or what if I do this, and not that and what if this happens and not the other. I take the cards I am dealt and if it comes to light that I could have done things differently then I learn from it and move on. Life is constantly changing...gotta keep moving. No time to dwell. On the past or the future. Gotta live for the present.
Maybe I am the one who is fucked up.
So happy, shock, anger, tears, anger, guilt, tears, clarity, anger, etc. It lasted all day.
The waiting game. Waiting for Christmas to be over so I can be a little less stressed at work, waiting for Grampie to die, waiting to see if we will still be friends when this all plays out, waiting to see if they will find it in themselves to try to work it out, waiting to see if Doug still wants to move here, waiting to see how resentful Andy will be about how she drove him away if he doesn't move here, waiting for this year to be over.
Things to remember: waking up at 5am and thinking about how to help her. What to say? When? That sinking feeling reading that they broke up. Crying in the shower. Crying now. Laying in bed talking to Andy about how if we have no one else we will always have each other. Not giving a shit about anything going on in our own lives but each other. If I woke up tomorrow to a different life, a different job, a different city, a different house, I would be ok as long as I have Andy.
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