3 more days

I haven't had time to do a Christmas countdown but I guess its not too late to start...3 more days!  It hasn't really been that bad this year.  Knock on wood...almost done with shopping except for a couple of things.  No ideas of anything decent for Andy...as usual.  I was going to get him one nice thing and of course I come home today and there are like 10 presents wrapped under the tree for me.  Great...I can only think of 2 things to get him that aren't really great ideas at all...now I have to think of 8 more.  I don't think so...

Then there are the girls at work...giftcards?  ugh...hate buying things for people!  Brianna could use a giftcard to a supermarket or Target or something...same with Kristie.  Both college students living on their own...tight budgets...grocery money would come in handy I am sure.  Veronica lives at home, likes Applebees...I guess that would be ok for her.  They would all definitely use them...just seems impersonal.  I mean I spend more time with these people than I do with Andy...oh well.  They will be happy with what they get. 

Took mom shopping and she is done too.  Amazing how she can spend all that money in a short amount of time but she got all the presents she needed to get except for one I can pick up for her tomorrow and she has everything she needs for our Christmas Eve party except for beer and ice.  Tomorrow she makes her Polish mushroom soup and some lima beans and cabbage for my uncle who loves it...then Friday she will make the dumplings for the soup and cook the Polish sausage and probably the onions for the pierogis.  I do love my Polish Christmas eve celebration!  Makes it all worthwhile and for me its really what its all about.  Santa comes, we eat good Polish food, get drunk and happy...love it!

Then a few days after Christmas Doug and the kids will be here...another thing to look forward to!  And then New Years!  I do love New Years Eve...not for any other reason than I like to entertain...cook nice food like prime rib and crab, have some nice appetizers, have a nice bubbly and then spend New Years Day lounging around.  A nice way to start off the new year.  I hope its a good one.  I don't even know who will be coming New Years Eve...could be just me and Andy, could be a few couples, could be a group with kids too.  All I know is I am looking forward to it.

I also love no snow.  Some for color on the ground and trees when I wake up Christmas morning would be nice as long as it melts by noon but otherwise I am ok without it.

Had a nice time with mom today...went shopping at the mall, then to the liquor store to get what she needs for the party and then a fabulous dinner at Saigon Bangkok to top it all off!  Yummy and I have leftovers for work tomorrow!

Things to remember:  Trivento Torrentes wine we had with dinner...gotta get it!  Having no idea what to get the man I have been with for 20 years.  55 degrees 4 days before Christmas in Buffalo.  Dogs sleeping with Andy on the couch.  A calm feeling this year...and its nice.

a new hope

So the texts with Nicole have been getting more and more normal.  I dread seeing her tomorrow.  I cried some of the way home.  I have never missed her so much.  I hope we can work this out and I think we will.  Andy saw her yesterday and told her how much of a basketcase I have been since this whole thing blew up on Friday...how I spent the entire day sobbing to him that he could be my best friend for the rest of our lives since I just lost mine.  He said she felt bad that I feel that way.  He thinks she will want to talk after the wake tomorrow.  I don't know about that.  Too much going on.  In time.  It will work out. 

She feels I chose Doug's side.  I tried to be non biased and maybe I wasn't or at least didn't come across that way.  She said that I never told her to stick up for herself and just told her to keep quiet or she would lose Doug.  I don't know how that came across in translation.  From the beginning when she first told me about the issues they were having back around April or so I told her to see a professional to help her deal with/communicate with Doug.  I have no experience dealing with someone who is depressed or has anxiety or whatever it is that Doug has that causes him to lose his temper with her.  And I don't have any experience with Doug being that way...I wouldn't have signed her up with that!  So for sure I knew something was up...she wouldn't make up a story like that or be so upset over nothing.  So I told her back in April to see someone herself to deal with his illness.  I gave her some suggestions on how to talk to him, what to do, etc.  But she said she had tried everything and that he would just get more and more enraged.  So, I don't know what to tell you...talk to a counselor who can give you some real advice.  No time.  I think that was the first excuse.  I may have gotten a maybe.  But I could tell it wasn't what she wanted to hear. 

Then more conversations.  Same advice...see someone.  However you are dealing with it, trying to communicate with Doug its not working.  You should maybe see someone.  No time...too much going on and whatever other excuses.  I blogged about not being heard. 

Then in the kitchen when Andy was making biscuits.  Nicole I really think you should talk to someone about this.  I don't know what advice to give you.  Nothing I say is going to help you because I don't have experience in this.  Try not to talk about things that stress him out.  But in the meantime, talk to someone...Then the excuse that she is afraid to talk to someone because they might tell her to break up with him.  I don't think so...I think you should talk to someone. 

I don't remember saying, just let Doug yell at you and make you feel like shit and cry otherwise you may lose him.  In fact I remember Andy and I both saying to her, "the Nicole I know wouldn't take shit from anyone so why is Doug any different?  Hang up on him when he's being an asshole!!!".

I don't know how it got lost in translation but somehow she feels that because I didn't chose either side, it means I didn't choose her side and that is what matters.  I told her I didn't know what came first, the chicken or the egg.  Did Doug's anger make her depressed?  Or was she depressed and that made Doug angry?  I don't know...all I know is he is seeing someone and not getting anywhere really so maybe you should see someone to see if there is something you can do to help him.  To better communicate with him.  To ???  I don't know. 

Ugh.   What a clusterfuck.  I hope it will work out for everyone and I am sure it will.  I just hate knowing that is what she thinks.  That I think she is crazy and the cause of all of this.  Not at all what I intended.  I was hoping that she would find some strength to stick up for herself and take some time for herself because she has never been able to.

So here I sit.  2am.  Dreading the wake tomorrow but anxiously awaiting it to be overwith.  I want my friend back.  Its been so long.  Doug wrote me a long note about how he was sorry I was in the middle of all of this.  I wouldn't take anything back.  Things happen for a reason.  We are all friends for a reason.  This came to head for a reason.  Grampa died right now for a reason.  To bring everyone together?  Was it a wake up call?  I hope so.

A new hope.

things to remember:  feeling the texts getting less awkward, missing Andy and hoping hunting season is coming to an end soon, having a fabulous time yesterday seeing Vic before he goes back to Thailand, secretly liking that Andy was jealous that Vic kissed me goodbye

insomnia

Midnight and I have to be up at 6am and here I sit.  Shitty weekend for sure.  Still not sure what is going on...does she hate me?  Will they get back together?  Grampa died today.  According to her peacefully.  I hope so.  And now the funeral.  I hate funerals.  I am off Wednesday so I am hoping it will be Wednesday.  Not sure if I will be able to change my schedule if it isn't.  I am sure I will be able to figure out something.

Jim got dumped today too.  Poor guy.  He had a really great date a few weeks ago with a new girl and then the old girlfriend caught wind of it and begged him to come back and he did.  And then she dumped him AGAIN!  Ugh!  Bitch!  He had a ton of stuff planned for their 1 year dating anniversary from dinner to limo rides to hotel rooms...she loves him but she isn't "in love" with him.  What does that even mean?

Finally bought my first Christmas present today.  I really hate this holiday.  Buying useless gifts for people to let them know you love them.  Can't we just say I love you and have dinner together or go to the movies or something?  ugh

I just want December to be over.

Things to remember:  having a really fun day at work despite all the other issues going on in my life.  The picture of my mom and Santa that made me smile.  Wondering why shitty things happen to such good people.  Insomnia

questions about death

I have often wondered why some people die suddenly and others linger on for days suffering, or making those around them suffer?  Is it because they need to suffer for what they did on this earth?  Or is it because those mourning them have suffering to do so they can move to the next level? 

I know many people who have died that went very suddenly (my dad for example).  In my opinion a wonderful guy.  Never any enemies, treated my mom well for the 40+ years they were married, loved me and my siblings, never spoke ill of anyone.  So was he taken so quickly because he had no sins to suffer for and no amends to make?  We didn't have an autopsy but based on some medical opinion of family and friends his heart probably just stopped and he died within a minute or so.  No pain, no suffering.  It was eerie looking at him in his casket because he had gone through no trauma so he looked as he always did.  Just like he was sleeping.  Funny kind of and as a family we had a good chuckle when we all went in to see him for the first time in the funeral parlor.  He would nap on the couch in the position that they arrange people in their caskets and he would open the corner of his eye and look at you and say "this is what I will look like when I am dead" and gosh darnit he really did.  LOL.  Funny guy and I have no bad memories of him.  Not one.

Same with my gram.  Lived til almost 91?  Maybe 92.  Stayed married to an alcoholic for 50+ years.  Dropped out of high school in 9th grade to go to work during the depression, married 4 days before her 17th birthday, raised 3 kids post WWII.  She suffered and paid her dues while she was alive so she was allowed to die quietly while saying the rosary one October morning.  No pain, no suffering.  Just laid her head down and drifted away.

My other grandmother was a gossiper and lived til 96 or so.  She was vindictive, held grudges, never told her kids she loved them, spoke terribly of her husband who she was married to for 50+ years as well and to my knowledge was a wonderful man just like his son (my dad)...she spent the last 10 years of her life in a nursing home.  She was still alive when my father died so she had to suffer through losing her son.  She had to have surgery and had a colostomy bag for the last 15 years of her life.  Her last days were slow and painful with her organs shutting down one by one.  My mother and aunt were the only ones with her at the end.  And my aunt got there after she passed.  Was it because of her sins on earth that she was punished with a long painful death surrounded by no one?

My cousin Dawn suffered with cancer.  But her illness brought us together as a family.  We would spend our evenings at the hospital and then all go to dinner afterward.  I think her suffering was a way to bring us all closer together.  We still go out to dinner a couple times a week when our schedules permit.  And we remember Dawn and laugh about the good times.  The time she went to Sinatra's with us and ordered the lasagna and ate the entire plate of it, never speaking or offering any to anyone.  She said it was the best lasagna she ever ate.  Its still on the menu and we still order it and say "remember the time Dawn got the lasagna..."

Then you have Nicole's grandparents.  I can't understand why it took her grandmother 11 days (?) to die.  She was a good woman as far as I know.  Although I remember times when she was not good to Nicole.  She was under the control of Nicole's mother so she verbally abused her like Geri does.  But Nicole does have some great memories of her.  So why did she suffer so...and why did she make Nicole suffer, and STILL suffer?

Her grandfather I can understand.  He does have sins to make amends for.  Cheated on her gram.  Verbally abusive.  But Nicole suffered with his antics all her life so why does she have to still suffer watching both her grandparents die slow painful deaths.  What purpose does it serve?  Is it to make her stronger?  Weaker? 

I just hope he dies soon so she can stop waiting and move on with her life.  I was hoping she could move on with Doug.  Maybe so and maybe not.  Maybe time will tell.  I have always secretly wanted her to be free of her grandparents.  They held her back her whole life.  She was a slave to them and to her mother.  I was hoping after they passed that she would finally get to have a life of her own with Doug and the kids.  Maybe she is destined to be alone?  But why?  She IS a good hearted person.  She DOES just want the best for everyone and will do everything she can to make sure everyone else is happy.  She is just a sad person because of all the shit she has been through her whole life.  Not her fault that she is sad, but she can change it.  I hope after he is gone and she finds the time on her hands that she was never allowed to have she will seek some help and do something to get on with her life and be happy. 

But I fear she will slip back into being a slave to her mom.  3 houses.  2 cats.  1 dog.  Everyone living separate but together in all 3 spaces.  Its a mess.  So much stuff.  No order.  Although I can't say I have ever been to her moms.  She may not be as bad as Nicole with the accumulation of things.  She probably is though.

1am and here I sit contemplating death.  Its supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year".  Well it sucks.  I never really liked Christmas anyway.  I did enjoy it in Arizona.  It was stress free.  Like any other weekend day we would have all the friends over and barbecue and sit in the hot tub and drink wine and beer and have a good time.  I miss warm weather.  And it isn't even cold here yet.  A long December indeed if its only the 4th and I am sick of winter already.  It isn't even winter according to the calendar...

All these thoughts of death have me wondering how I will die.  Will I live long?  Will I die before Andy?  Will I die surrounded by people that love me?  Will I die alone?  Will I suffer or go quickly?

Someone once said to me "Don't you want to have kids so you won't be alone when you get old?  Who will take care of you like you take care of your mom?".  I think about it sometimes.  Whether I have a kid or not I may still end up alone in a nursing home.  And now I am so old, they will be 30 or so when I die, assuming I live till I am 80ish.  So then they will be alone.

These are the things I think of sitting here alone wide awake after work.

Things to remember:  Getting the text that Nicole's grandfather will most likely die today.  Waiting all day to find out if he died.  Awkward texts all day.  Liking writing todays blog and remembering fondly the family that has passed before me.  Wishing I was back in Arizona where life just seemed so much simpler.  Glad I am in Buffalo and get to spend the holidays I hate with everyone I love.

the rollercoaster and waiting game

What a rollercoaster ride it was today.  Happy to be off from work and planned to spend the day with Andy literally laying in bed.  I wanted to do nothing else.  Literally lay in bed all day.

Then the text...we broke up.  I am done.  Not moving.  Ok that I can deal with.  Then, the next part.  I told her we all think she is depressed and needs help...oh god.  The can of worms I didn't want to open.  Not now.

And then the text messages.  I AM NOT the one with the problem.  He is mean to me.  I DO NOT have issues with my grammies death...its coincidental that he started being mean then.  I DO stand up for myself.  It was when I started standing up for myself he got more mean.  People just take advantage of a good girl when they are in need.

Then the tears.  From me.  Am I losing my friend?  Maybe.  Andy doesn't think so.  I wonder.  Doug couldn't take it anymore and I am right behind him.  Do I spend the rest of my life just sitting there nodding my head, yes everyone picks on you, everyone is against you, everyone else is doing everything wrong but not you.  Can I?  Do I have the strength?

She has never really been happy since I have known her.  She holds herself back from being happy.  She wants to make sure everyone else is first and then she puts herself on edge and stresses herself out and makes everyone else stressed out and then we are all mean to her.  Its exhausting.  Sometimes you just gotta say"fuck it".  Nicole can't.  Gotta deal with everything.  Can't not deal...can't ignore.  Gotta analyze it to death.  Gotta talk it out.  Gotta make sure we sort it out.  Sometimes you can't.  Sometimes you shouldn't.  Sometimes you just gotta say "fuck it" and move on.  She can't.

She has been bullied by everyone she cares about.  She lets them bully her.  She has let her mother and grammie and grampie say terrible things to her all her life.  Make her feel like shit her whole life.  And now Doug too?  Not her fault.  All theirs.  Yours because you allow them to.  You don't stand up for yourself you just cry.  That isn't standing up for yourself.  Crying isn't asking for support.  Crying makes people angry because they don't know what you want they just know they want you to stop crying.  Then they yell because a crybaby makes some people edgy.  I can't stand crying.  There is a time and a place to cry.  Not everyday.  If you cry everyday, every time I see about every thing we talk about...you might have some issues you need to sort out.  And I am not a psychologist so I can't help you.  Call me when you are done crying.

A terrible friend I am.  A terrible friend is what I feel like.  To turn my back on her.  I have too much of my own shit going on.  I deal with it on my own.  I have things going on she wouldn't even fathom because I don't dwell on them.  I deal with shit and move on.  Things don't go my way, I pick up the pieces and move on.  I try and prepare myself for the future as best I can.  I make mistakes.  I don't analyze to death what I "could" do.  Or what if I do this, and not that and what if this happens and not the other.  I take the cards I am dealt and if it comes to light that I could have done things differently then I learn from it and move on.  Life is constantly changing...gotta keep moving.  No time to dwell.  On the past or the future.  Gotta live for the present.

Maybe I am the one who is fucked up.

So happy, shock, anger, tears, anger, guilt, tears, clarity, anger, etc.  It lasted all day.

The waiting game.  Waiting for Christmas to be over so I can be a little less stressed at work, waiting for Grampie to die, waiting to see if we will still be friends when this all plays out, waiting to see if they will find it in themselves to try to work it out, waiting to see if Doug still wants to move here, waiting to see how resentful Andy will be about how she drove him away if he doesn't move here, waiting for this year to be over.

Things to remember:  waking up at 5am and thinking about how to help her.  What to say?  When?  That sinking feeling reading that they broke up.  Crying in the shower.  Crying now.  Laying in bed talking to Andy about how if we have no one else we will always have each other.  Not giving a shit about anything going on in our own lives but each other.  If I woke up tomorrow to a different life, a different job, a different city, a different house, I would be ok as long as I have Andy.

how do you tell someone...

How do you tell someone they really need to see a psychiatrist?  How do you comfort and console when you really want to say "seriously?  get over it already?".  How do you break someone out of a Hallmark channel way of thinking?

Life isn't all roses and greeting cards and cuddling and kissing.  I think I would puke if it were.

I really think Andy and I put on a good show.  We must!  People think we are the greatest couple, and we are.  But they must have so many visions in their head about how it is, and I can tell you...they are wrong!

Andy and I are a unique couple.  I think we are anyway.  We are both extremely independent.  In every sense.  He does his thing and I do mine.  We do things together but we are not schmoopy really.  But if I need emotional support, he is there.  And likewise.  But I think we are both so comfortable with each other and with our own selves we don't seek anything from each other. We are happy to know that the other is there if we need them, but at the same time, don't really need anything from the other because we are so comfortable with our own selves.

Does this make any sense?  I am drinking some Southern Comfort right now so it may not.

Back to the point...how do you tell someone that they are not acting rational, normal, etc. and they may need to seek help from a professional?  Is it something they have to discover on their own?  Is there something you can do to get them to the discovery?  And is there a way to do it so that you don't alienate them in the process?

Point is, I miss my friend.  I walk on eggshells around her because we have such different opinions on so many things.  I want her to be happy.  I want everyone to be happy together.  But sometimes I feel that she is in such denial about how things really are...or so disillusioned about how things should be?  I feel this prevents her from being happy.  She has so many visions of god knows what...and when it isn't like it is in the movies, its bad or wrong or not enough or whatever.  Life isnt all champagne and roses.  Life is what you make it...and if you are happy with what you got, then you stop thinking about what you don't.

How do you tell someone they are not dealing with the death of a loved one in a healthy way?  And that most of their issues with the rest of their life really is all about the fact that they are not over the death of said loved one?

ugh!  I just want everyone to stop crying and live happily ever after...is that too much to ask?  That is how it ends in the movies...right?

Pieces starting to fit...

So I had a fabulous day today...spent the day with Nicole, Andy and Abby and we had a great time!  I missed those kiddos so much!  They were great today...very well behaved and just a pleasure to be with.  It made me hopeful for when they are living here again, all the great times ahead of us.  They have grown into beautiful kids and I hope they will be happy here.  They seemed to be today.

I picked them up at noon and we headed to PF Changs for lunch and then went bowling at Thruway Lanes.  Boy do I need some practice!  We ended up putting the bumpers up which made the game a little more exciting...hahaha!  Both the kids did really well though!  Nicole too!  We all had a few strikes and spares.

We did a little shopping at Aldi's for Thanksgiving too.  The boys were hunting all day and Andy got a doe.  Doug didn't get anything but he seemed like he had a good time anyway.  When he got back we all went to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. 

I know how I felt when I "knew" with Andy...is it possible that you can "know" even when it doesn't involve you?  Its kinda weird but I just "know" this is it...not just for Doug and Nicole.  For the kids too.  And for Andy and me and the 4 of them all together.  It just feels so right.  Its been a long road for everyone but its so close!  One more month!  I just cannot wait! 

2012 is going to be the best year ever!  Andy has applied to ECC and will hopefully have a new career in the next few months, Doug and the kids will be here, maybe I will start school for massage therapy? 

Things to remember:  having to put up the bumpers at the bowling alley, my birthday cards from Andy and Abby, cuddling in the back seat with my godchildren, sipping my wine and missing Andy tonight...the only thing missing today was him <3

November

I cannot believe its November already!  I just want holiday overwith (from a retail perspective anyway) and its moving right along.  We set Christmas in the store on Sunday and it was a long day.  Didn't get out until 1am and then had to work at 9am the next day followed by dinner with the family to celebrate mom's birthday.  Closed Tuesday and had to write the schedule and take conference call because the boss is on vacation.  Did an interview and have another interview again tomorrow.  Still have to hire about 5-10 more people!  At least I had today off.  I made some beef barley soup and it was amazing.  I ate about a half a loaf of sourdough bread throughout the day too.  I am off Friday too and Andy and I are planning to go out with Brad and Erika for dinner and then over to their place to watch the Sabres game.  Then I work Saturday and off again Sunday.  Not too bad. 

Hopefully the schedule for November won't need to be adjusted (for me anyway).  As it stands right now I have off the weekend before Thanksgiving which is also opening weekend of hunting season.  Doug will be here with the kids so hopefully it will work out that Andy and Doug can do a little hunting and Nicole and I can have some kid time.  I only have that weekend off and Thanksgiving Day when they are here so hopefully we can all spend some time together. 

So I fell off a ladder the other day at work.  I missed the last step and my knee hit the rung and its all bruised and sore.  Could have been worse I guess but I am using it as my excuse to not get on my treadmill yet.  So, basically what I am saying is I still have no motivation.  Could blame it on a lot of things...been trying to fight a cold, sore knee, other stuff to do.  I just gotta do it...the vitamins seem to be helping a little, but I just need to do it.  It was a pretty crazy week though with work and all the other birthday and anniversary celebrations.  Next week for sure.  I get my hour back on Sunday...yeah...Sunday starts the workout routine!  Time changes, knee should be healed, its Sunday so its a new week, I have the day off...yeah Sunday!

Things to remember:  really good beef barley soup, and awesome sourdough bread!  Having the windows and the front door open in NOVEMBER!  Grocery shopping at Wegmans and smelling all the great fall scents (turkey, sage, apples, etc) and not wearing a winter coat.  Driving with the windows down and the sun shining and remembering this is how winter in Arizona is and missing it.  *contemplating* decorating for Christmas...maybe...

Don't call me

So I just read an article in Reader's Digest (yes, I read Reader's Digest AND I listen to talk radio...proving I am old).  I could not agree more with this article.  It's about the death of phone calls.  I for one, welcome the death of phone calls.  Yes, there are times that I need/want to talk on the phone, but in general I hate the phone!

I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE! 

There, I said it.  I have said it before but I really mean it this time.  I have been avoiding 2 friends lately that LOVE the phone.  They can talk for hours on the phone.  I cannot.  It's terrible to ignore people like that but I really hate talking on the phone.

Could be WHAT we talk about on the phone.  Whining, complaining, same old stories over and over, same old advice over and over, same old bullshit over and over.  At least in person I can express my dismay at their predicaments and they can read on my face that I really have no desire to hear their shit over and over.  Or maybe I can listen with a more sympathetic ear in person because of their facial expressions and body movements.  Either way, talking on the phone sucks.

I call my mother on the phone, and some other relatives I guess.  But in general, I avoid it at all costs.  I would rather converse in person.  Make plans with me via text or email, I will be there.  And we can talk for hours...IN PERSON. 

I guess that's the weird part for me.  People I cannot stand talking on the phone with, I could spend hours talking to in person. 

Thats it I guess.  My birthday came and went.  Andy got me some cute snoopy stuff.  Jim gave me a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure.  Andy's parents sent me some money.  We are going out to dinner for lobster on Thursday with my mom and brother, and then out with my uncle and cousins for a fish fry on Friday.  Our anniversary is Friday as well...11 years.  Time flies.  I don't even like talking to Andy on the phone really.  Nothing to say except "I am on my way home...see ya in a few.  Loveyabye."

I guess I just like face to face time.  At least with texts and emails there isn't any weird silence when you don't know what to say.  And if you don't have a response at least you buy yourself some time to find one.  And its not a time waster.  Sure I can multitask when I am on the phone but I like to give the caller undivided attention.  So then I don't get anything done.  I don't mind talking when I am driving...in fact that is usually when I call my mom. 

Ok enough, point made.

The vitamins...actually I feel better.  Still no motivation really but maybe it will come!  Haha!  Once I throw in some exercise maybe I will be a little more motivated.

Things to remember:  free cinnamon sugar (cinnamon shug...as Hiller would say) from Auntie Anne's on my birthday, crying at what Andy wrote in my birthday card, 70+ birthday wishes on Facebook, feeling older but starting to feel better and excited for what the future holds.  <3

vitamins and energy

So I started taking vitamins today.  A multivitamin, b12 and d3.  I am constantly tired, get headaches daily and in general just do not want to get out of bed.  Some people would hear that and say I am depressed.  Am I?  Maybe I am.  Once I get going I am ok...I just don't like to get going.  No motivation at all.  Hopefully the vitamins will help.  And exercise...gotta do it!  Been feeling really pudgy lately and I don't like it.

It was an OK week.  Went to Tedeschi Trucks concert on Sunday and it was fabulous.  She has such a fantastic voice.  Work wasn't too bad either.  We had a DM visit that I wasn't there for but apparently it went ok as well.  I just want Christmas to be over.  I hate the holidays.  Maybe I would enjoy them if I didn't work retail.  Hopefully someday I won't.  The massage institute called me the other day about enrolling.  Maybe that is my sign.  I was thinking I could start in April.  My niece graduates in June though and I really want to go so maybe I will put off starting until July.  I still have to come up with $4k or get financed for it.  And Andy needs to go to school...ugh.  Why can't I just blink my eyes and be where I want to be and not have to go through the motions?

Found out Doug and the kids are coming for Thanksgiving.  That is some of the best news I have heard in a long time!  I can't wait until they all get here.  I just want to hang out like the good old days but this time it will be even better because it will be with Nicole and not Jacquie!  I miss Nicole.  I wish I could talk to her more often but it just seems that we differ so much lately and either have nothing to say or bicker about what we do say because we have such different views on life.  I am worried for her, I still think she is not over her grandmother's passing.  I hope she can talk to someone who can help her.  She calls me to vent sometimes and I try and offer her advice but it falls on deaf ears and she gets very defensive.  Then I am sorry I tried to help at all.

My birthday is Monday and our anniversary is Friday.  We are going to dinner to the lobster place on Thursday with my mom and brother, and then Friday we are going to Marotta's with my cousins and uncle.  Nothing else planned really.  I am off this weekend (today and tomorrow), work Monday and then I am off Tuesday and Wednesday.  I would like to get the house in order but then I would have to have some motivation.  Maybe I will?  If the vitamins kick in.

At least I know I am not alone.  My aunt was in town the last couple of days and I was talking to her about it too.  Her husband is a doctor and he was the one who suggested the vitamins.  She also feels the same...piles of paperwork not put away, don't feel like making dinner, don't feel like making phone calls, etc.  And other people on facebook post similar things.  It is depressing.  I am 36 I shouldn't feel like this.  Tired and drained.  I don't even have kids for goodness sake!  How do those people do it? 

I wish I was financially stable and had a good career and had time to enjoy the little things in life, like weekends off, going for a walk, etc.  If I was motivated I could maybe.  These are the people I have talked about in previous posts...the people that complain about their life but never do anything about it and then seek pity about their predicaments.  Is that me?  God I hope not.  I hate those people!

Change starts today!  I need a change.  I changed my hair color Friday...I need some new clothes...need to eat better, take vitamins and exercise...the change starts now.

Things to remember:  great apple cider, fall leaves swirling in the cool fall air, everyone loving the new hair color, feeling re-energized, making beef bourguignon for Andy after a full day of hunting and feeling like he is the only part of my life I wouldn't change.

thinking positive

I really am a happy person but when I open this blog all I want to do is whine and complain.  I hate whiners!  So, think positive...

I need to start eating better so I am not so tired all the time.  I know it is all because of my diet and sleeping patterns, etc.  I need to get Andy to get me a treadmill!  I need to start moving and exercising and get my metabolism moving! 

We set Christmas stuff out at work and I usually dread it but I am actually looking forward to it.  I certainly hope this is going to be a nice, quiet, simple and stress free holiday.  I DO NOT want to exchange gifts this year.  We say it every year and every year its some mad dash to get last minute gifts.  If I do anything this year I want to do homemade gifts and if I am going to do that then I need to decide soon what they will be.  I hope its a nice winter...its been a beautiful fall so far...I think it was 80 degrees today!  I love it!  I like when the weather gets cooler though and it is supposed to get cooler this weekend again.  I love fall cooking...soups, stews, casseroles, etc.  yum!

We are going to the Trucks Tedeschi concert this Sunday and I am really looking forward to it!  It should be a nice time.  I work til 2 so I was thinking maybe I would whip up a lasagna Saturday and Andy could put it in the oven Sunday afternoon and we could have the concert goers for dinner beforehand.  You know me, the entertainer!

Nothing else really to report.  One more day and then I am off Wednesday and then I work Thursday and am off Friday.  Going out with the SHA girls next week to LaBellas for dinner.  It will be nice to catch up!  I haven't seen Karin since she moved back to Buffalo, Tiffany since it was snowing, and Lane since high school!  And Nicole since she went to NC!

That is all that is on my mind right now I guess.  I need to get motivated to do a lot of stuff...lose some weight, get info to go back to school, save money to go back to school...ugh!  Overwhelming...

Things to remember:  80 degrees on Columbus Day...in Buffalo!!!

exhausted

So today was my day off.  I got up at 6:30am to drive 80+ miles to help Allie move back to Amherst.  I am exhausted!  Every muscle in my body hurts.

As for the previous post that was deleted because my computer froze, I WAS going to say that some people really surprise me and come around...BUT give 'em a day and they will go right back to their old ways.  Ugh!  Whatever...I am done trying to support those people that are just going to do everything they can to make themselves miserable.  They know they shouldn't make the decisions they make but they do anyway.  Why?  Because its easy?  You are miserable with the guy, but get back together with him anyway.  You know people are only telling you to do things that are going to benefit them and not you, but listen to them anyway.  Keep doing the same things and getting the same results.  Go ahead and be my guest but don't come crying to me when things never work out.

You would think I am a miserable bitch, but I hope I am not.  I was bitchy yesterday.  Just annoyed with people in general.  I can't stand when people interrupt and overtalk you.  Ugh!

On a good note it was a beautiful day and the move didn't take nearly as long as it could have.  Done by 3:30 and home by 5ish.  Best shower ever and a little nap, cleaned up the kitchen and Andy is still napping.  He may be down for the night.  I love how generous he is with his time.  He does so much to help people and he may get annoyed just like me but he would do anything for a friend.  One thing I do and always will love about him.

Oh what else to say...got new tires on the truck and the jeep so we are broke again.  But we are set for the winter.  The weather forecast is 70s and near 80 the next few days, a little dip into the 60s and some rain next week and then another warming trend for next weekend!  Yes!  I love when fall is like this.  I am hoping for a mild fall and winter...not too much snow I hope!  A little for effect on the holidays but then it can go.

Had a great dinner the other night with the family.  Went to a new place on Lexington and Ashland called Vera Pizzeria.  Fabulous drinks and great food and some much needed reconnnecting with the family.  Its been over a month!

I guess that is all...working the weekend and looking forward to Trucks Tedeschi next Sunday.  Birthday and anniversary coming up soon too!

Things to remember:  Subs at Pat and Toms after the move and trying not to hear the score of the first hockey game of the season that we DVRd but we heard it anyway.  Go Sabres!

some people really surprise me sometimes, motivation and other things

so my computer froze and I lost everything I wrote and now I am not motivated to write it again...hahaha

Seriously...I will write tomorrow

Things to remember...tortilla soup, chatting with Doug, fishes waving to me in the tank (hehehe)

the epiphany

So it came to me today...I slept horribly but I guess I had a moment of clarity at some point.

Some people need to feel the pity of others to survive.  I am not one of these people.  So today I had to take a dive into understanding others which in turn helped me understand myself and I feel better about things.  I feel liberated.

Just to let you know there are a lot of these people out there.  I work with these people, I am friends with these people and some are even in my own family.  These people may or may not want to change their lives for the better, but I believe they don't because they have an insatiable need for people to feel sorry for them.  I, again, am not one of these people.  I don't think I am anyway.




I hate when people feel sorry for me.  Apparently some people crave this.  I pride myself on overcoming obstacles and making decisions to better my life without involving others.  Not all the time, and obviously I consult my own husband on certain issues that will affect both of us, but in general I try to change things before people can get any whiff of anything that is ailing me.

These are the same people that don't hear me.  I think they may hear me, or hear parts of what I am saying, but choose not to really listen because if they listen and make a change in their life for the better, they won't have anyone feeling sorry for them anymore.  Sometimes these people hear what I say, but mold it in a way to fit their own reality and take it so far from reality I don't even want to be associated with it anyway.

These people are exhausting.  They make my life needlessly stressful.  But they are family, friends, acquaintances, coworkers and they are a part of my life and I must try to understand them and adapt my communication style with them to achieve the best for both of us.

Things to remember:  Telling my epiphany to Andy and having us both feel pride in ourselves and the relationship we have, even though we go through our share of rough patches since our future is so uncertain at the moment.  We are in this life together and we don't feel sorry for ourselves or each other and we will make the best of whatever is thrown in our path.  <3

You can't be heard if there is no one listening

So it was a pretty shitty day but rather than dwell on that I will post some positive thoughts:

I don't claim to be an expert in anything, but I think I do a pretty good job living my life.  Its not the best life, but its a good one.  I feel I do my best to find the positive in people/situations.  How does the saying go?  "Accept what you cannot change, change what you can, and have the wisdom to know the difference".  "If life gives me lemons I make lemonade".  I certainly have a lot of lemons...

I learned some lessons today.  I think of myself as a pretty good listener.  I try to motivate people, try to encourage them, try to lift their spirits when they are down.  Some people just don't want to hear it though.  They long for a life that is happy and drama free...but I don't think they would know what to do with that life.  Why do people always have to complicate things?  I don't know if its my "hippie" surroundings.  I don't do drugs so I am not out of touch with reality...am I?  Maybe I am the one doing it all wrong...

I don't really know what I am saying here other than you can't be heard if no one is listening.  I have experience in many things, and I try to share my insight to make life easier for people, make less work, etc. and it seems that it falls on deaf ears.  I need to work on how I convey my ideas and insights I guess.  As the other saying goes, "you can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results".  If you aren't getting the results you want, instead of blaming others, look within and see if there is something in yourself that you can change.  You only have the power to change yourself. 

I have thought about religion lately too...more along the lines of Buddhism or that thing that Madonna practices...Kabballah?  I need some sort of practice that will allow me to look within myself and understand the world and other people better and on a different level.

Things to remember:  salty fries from McDonalds on the way home...boy did I need those!

nothing to say

I have to get the hang of this blog thing.  I really don't have anything to write about today.  For a Monday it wasn't a bad day.

I guess maybe there is so much to say that I don't know where to start?  Ugh I dunno.  I have a headache so maybe my creative juices are being supressed?

Things to remember:  grilled cheese at 10pm...so yummy!

something new

So I have never blogged before but I thought I might find it therapeutic to just get my thoughts out there...kind of like a diary but one that everyone sees.

Not much to say right now, just testing this out to see what it will look like and playing with templates and such.