SAD
Seasonal affective disorder. Positive I have it. I get it just after my birthday every year. Before Thanksgiving. Maybe it is retail. I don't remember always having it. I used to like winter...not the snow or cold but the season. Ice skating with Andy, watching the snow fall, even Christmas kind of. Now I get drunk every Christmas Eve and that doesn't even make me happy.
So I have to move on. I have to get out of retail. I have to tell work I am going back to school in the spring. I have to. I cannot hold off anymore. I need this. I need to not be depressed from November to February. Even Andy knows. He says little things like "I did this for you so you could just relax when you got home from work". Ugh! I hate being pitied...I hate that he knows I am depressed. I try and hide it but I guess not that well.
I can still laugh and still have a good time. I just laughed at TMZ. I went out for dinner with Bri tonight and we laughed. I even have fun at work. I don't know what it is...I just hate this time of year. I want to be in the commercial (Lexus maybe) where the family loads into the SUV, drives the winding winter roads and arrives at the log cabin in the woods all lit up for Christmas. I wanna sit in said log cabin and drink eggnog by the fire and watch the snow fall...it could snow two feet and I wouldn't fucking care! Just no more retail!
Need to make the change. Suck it up. Figure out a way to go back to school and afford it. No vacations for a while. No going out. Less concerts. But happier in the long run.
But then factor in a kid...no more anything. I have no more freedom. No sleeping in. No fancy vacations. No nothing. But it would be rewarding. Right? Then someone would take care of me when I am old. Right?
We need to talk to a financial advisor and figure out our finances. We need a savings. We need a budget. We have nothing except my 401k. What if we had a kid? How would we afford it? How would we retire...granted that is 30 years away...UGH!
On a happier note Andy did get the letter from the state that he passed the test and is on the list for a job with the DDSO. That would be awesome. A state job. State benefits. A future for our not even conceived child.
And Christmas decorating. I pulled all of it out. No desire to put it up.
And hunting season. Andy is leaving for the next 4 days to hunt with the boys in Pike. Fantastic. Sleeping alone for 4 days. All while Jim will probably have to put Cassidy down in the next few days. That will be fun to deal with. Yes he probably should have done it last week and a thousand dollars ago. But he didn't and she is still puking. Everywhere. These carpets are trashed.
So tis the season...ho ho ho. Bah humbug.
I can't wait til February.
Things to remember: the good times with Cass, chugging saki at Kyoto with Bri, Coldstone, making beef stew for the hunting crew, wanting Christmas to be over
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
closure
Dear Nicole,
I wanted to send you a note to wish you a happy
birthday.
I know we have drifted apart the last few years and I think
I was secretly hoping that your relationship with Doug would somehow bring us
back together and instead it just intensified the differences between us. We are on different paths in life, and have
different views on things, but that doesn’t change the fact that I wish the
best for you now and always.
I was happy to hear your docs were on the track to get you
better and hope that your good health continues.
Happy birthday (a little early),
Amanda
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
seeking closure
So for the past few days I have been consumed by a feeling of a need for closure...the last word...something. I have been thinking for her birthday I should send her some sort of note of good will...happy birthday...best wishes...especially since I got NOTHING from her. I do wish her well...just not in my life...well somewhere else...ugh
I think I should do it. Make it uncomfortable for her that I was the bigger person to acknowledge HER birthday and give her some best wishes. Let her know that I am sorry that we drifted apart years ago and that I hoped that Doug would bring us together again...but instead her relationship with him just amplified our differences. That I want her to be happy in life and that although we are on different directions and have different views on things that I hope all her dreams come true.
Should I mention that I felt that I felt as if she was the most selfish person I have ever met...probably not. That she is the most closed minded person I know...nah...
Ugh...what to say?
Definitely the need to say something. I have 2 weeks to think about it...ideas? Maybe some other day.
Today was my moms birthday. Got to see Paul and Jeannette for lobster dinner. Paul looks good, almost done with radiation and talked to his surgeon and all seems well. My mom is 77 today...scary...she is doing well though.
Christmas is coming and my schedule doesn't seem too bad so far. Hopefully it will be a good year. Clock ticking...mom is 77 and Andy's dad is still battling cancer. Not too much time left to get a son out to be an heir to the Haertel legacy. Ugh I hate pressure.
Things to remember: lobsters, wine, good times with my mom...rain for 3 days...a wonderful birthday and anniversary this year at Rush and Lafayette Hotel...closure
I think I should do it. Make it uncomfortable for her that I was the bigger person to acknowledge HER birthday and give her some best wishes. Let her know that I am sorry that we drifted apart years ago and that I hoped that Doug would bring us together again...but instead her relationship with him just amplified our differences. That I want her to be happy in life and that although we are on different directions and have different views on things that I hope all her dreams come true.
Should I mention that I felt that I felt as if she was the most selfish person I have ever met...probably not. That she is the most closed minded person I know...nah...
Ugh...what to say?
Definitely the need to say something. I have 2 weeks to think about it...ideas? Maybe some other day.
Today was my moms birthday. Got to see Paul and Jeannette for lobster dinner. Paul looks good, almost done with radiation and talked to his surgeon and all seems well. My mom is 77 today...scary...she is doing well though.
Christmas is coming and my schedule doesn't seem too bad so far. Hopefully it will be a good year. Clock ticking...mom is 77 and Andy's dad is still battling cancer. Not too much time left to get a son out to be an heir to the Haertel legacy. Ugh I hate pressure.
Things to remember: lobsters, wine, good times with my mom...rain for 3 days...a wonderful birthday and anniversary this year at Rush and Lafayette Hotel...closure
Monday, September 24, 2012
Unending Love by Rabindranath Tagore
I seem to have loved you in numberless forms, numberless times…
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
My spellbound heart has made and remade the necklace of songs,
That you take as a gift, wear round your neck in your many forms,
In life after life, in age after age, forever.
Whenever I hear old chronicles of love, it's age-old pain,
It's ancient tale of being apart or together.
As I stare on and on into the past, in the end you emerge,
Clad in the light of a pole-star piercing the darkness of time:
You become an image of what is remembered forever.
You and I have floated here on the stream that brings from the fount.
At the heart of time, love of one for another.
We have played along side millions of lovers, shared in the same
Shy sweetness of meeting, the same distressful tears of farewell-
Old love but in shapes that renew and renew forever.
Today it is heaped at your feet, it has found its end in you
The love of all man’s days both past and forever:
Universal joy, universal sorrow, universal life.
The memories of all loves merging with this one love of ours –
And the songs of every poet past and forever.
***So my niece posted a picture of Audrey Hepburn who just happened to be my inspiration for my "creative black tie" attire for the wedding on Friday (Michael and David's). It prompted me to google Audrey Hepburn and read a little bit about her life. She died of cancer and after her death Gregory Peck went on camera and recited her favorite poem "Unending Love" by Rabindranath Tagore.
So I googled it...and this is the poem. And its funny because I went to a psychic once and when I asked about my love life, she told me that the person I was with (Andy) I had been with for hundreds of years. At that point we had been dating a couple of years. Maybe more. She told me that our souls had been together since at least the middle ages and we always find each other in each new life. She told me that Andy was "the outdoorsy type" and we owned lots of land in Europe and he raised animals and had acres of pastures. She told me that I was independent and that "Andy" was always very supportive of me and encouraged me to do what I wanted to do with my life even if it was not the norm or unheard of for women to be so independent or innovative.
Hoaky? yeah...but through the years I remember what she said...I wish I still had the tape! And this poem reminded me of that psychic and everything she had to say. That I really did have a soulmate and that our souls had been intertwined for centuries. Do I believe it? Yes I think I do. We have a connection that I cannot explain, and I believe it does have something to do with it. I believe there is some higher being and I don't claim to know who "he" is or what "his" plan for me is...but I believe what I feel. I found my soulmate when I was 17. Who is that lucky? This girl, that's who.
<3
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Reconcile with an old friend. All has been forgotten.
That was my fortune in my fortune cookie last night. I don't think so. I have not forgotten and I have no desire to reconcile. When you experience a loss you have feelings of loss, and I have not had any. In fact, I feel a burden off me. Andy still wants to write her a letter. He can if he wants. I was there for her and did what I could. She didn't do the same for me. She never even asked me how I was...hardly ever. I would call her with a problem and want to talk and the conversations would always end up being about her and her problems. No more.
Maybe there is another old friend I will reconcile with. No one that I feel I need to reconcile with. Maybe Michele and Corey? Who knows.
So I am still recovering from vacation. I guess that means it was a good vacation...and it was. We had a good time but it was just exhausting. Lots of driving...to CT, MA, RI, back to CT, MA, NY. We did the jetboat, toured the falls, went to the fair. Drank a lot. I think I had hard liquor every day. Fun times I say.
Still havent started my exercise routine but I did start at my new store and I am loving it. I do miss my old store but I do not miss the commute and so far everyone has been really nice there and I think I will fit in well. Kim is committed to helping people move up and get better at what they do so she will definitely be a friend and not a foe. There is something in it for her to make me succeed and I think I will do just that.
Paul had his last chemo treatment today and goes for a CAT scan on 9/11 to find out about radiation. The buzz right now is that he will need 34 treatments and they do them 5 days a week. Yuck. We are hoping the scan will show he won't need that much but we are thinking he will need the radiation anyway.
Andy is applying for a job with the state working with developmentally disabled individuals in group homes. Fingers crossed. He really wants this. It doesn't pay a lot and I don't care. I want him to enjoy his job and I really think he would like this. And a state job. Pension, benefits. We need this!
We have appointments tomorrow at the NY Institute of Massage for 50 min massages by students...$35! Cannot wait!!! Haven't had a massage since Vegas!
Not much else going on. I need to find a dress for Michael and Davids wedding...9/21. We booked our hotel room for that night and I am really excited. We have a suite at the Hotel Lafayette that Michael redesigned and we are planning on getting there around 3 to check in. We will get ready for the wedding at 6, walk outside to the square for the ceremony, then go back to the hotel for the reception and stay the night. So excited. A night out with Andy...and then we booked a room for the night of 10/26 for the RUSH concert. And I am off the week before the wedding and we are going camping in Allegany for Dan Sciolinos 40th birthday.
Things to remember: bubble tea at 539 for inventory, missing my team there, smell of fire from Andy burning papers, off tomorrow....massage time!
Maybe there is another old friend I will reconcile with. No one that I feel I need to reconcile with. Maybe Michele and Corey? Who knows.
So I am still recovering from vacation. I guess that means it was a good vacation...and it was. We had a good time but it was just exhausting. Lots of driving...to CT, MA, RI, back to CT, MA, NY. We did the jetboat, toured the falls, went to the fair. Drank a lot. I think I had hard liquor every day. Fun times I say.
Still havent started my exercise routine but I did start at my new store and I am loving it. I do miss my old store but I do not miss the commute and so far everyone has been really nice there and I think I will fit in well. Kim is committed to helping people move up and get better at what they do so she will definitely be a friend and not a foe. There is something in it for her to make me succeed and I think I will do just that.
Paul had his last chemo treatment today and goes for a CAT scan on 9/11 to find out about radiation. The buzz right now is that he will need 34 treatments and they do them 5 days a week. Yuck. We are hoping the scan will show he won't need that much but we are thinking he will need the radiation anyway.
Andy is applying for a job with the state working with developmentally disabled individuals in group homes. Fingers crossed. He really wants this. It doesn't pay a lot and I don't care. I want him to enjoy his job and I really think he would like this. And a state job. Pension, benefits. We need this!
We have appointments tomorrow at the NY Institute of Massage for 50 min massages by students...$35! Cannot wait!!! Haven't had a massage since Vegas!
Not much else going on. I need to find a dress for Michael and Davids wedding...9/21. We booked our hotel room for that night and I am really excited. We have a suite at the Hotel Lafayette that Michael redesigned and we are planning on getting there around 3 to check in. We will get ready for the wedding at 6, walk outside to the square for the ceremony, then go back to the hotel for the reception and stay the night. So excited. A night out with Andy...and then we booked a room for the night of 10/26 for the RUSH concert. And I am off the week before the wedding and we are going camping in Allegany for Dan Sciolinos 40th birthday.
Things to remember: bubble tea at 539 for inventory, missing my team there, smell of fire from Andy burning papers, off tomorrow....massage time!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Hormones? Who knows!
So from the time I got in the car until almost all the way home, I cried tonight...and I will tell you why.
I get in the car and the first song I hear on 96.1 Delilah is Mr. Big "To be with you". It was "our" song...me and Andy. Let me tell you how it came to be our song:
Picture it, Amherst, 1991 (I crack myself up). I am dating the guy next door (literally). I am 16 and its June and school is out for the summer. A bunch of us from the neighborhood decide to go to Putt Putt after dark. Said boyfriend from next door is dissing me, and there is this tall blonde kid (his friend oddly enough) who spends the whole night trying to cheer me up. I think this kid is annoying...I just wanna be bitchy! But this kid makes me laugh. And he is huge! Like a big teddy bear. Fast forward to the end of the summer. I dump said boyfriend and start to have a relationship with the big blonde teddy bear and every time we are together this song comes on by Mr. Big and the lyrics hit home:
I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you
Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
Wake up, who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you
Why be alone when we can be together baby?
You can make my life worthwhile
I can make you start to smile
So I hear this song and it makes me cry...happy tears. 20+ years together and he still wants to be with me and he still makes me smile. And, oddly enough the #222 has been prevalent in our relationship from day 1 and I log onto blogger tonight and it says my page has had 222 views. Coincidence, I think not.
Next song: Mariah Carey "dreamlover". Doug had a Mariah Carey dream the other day, I love the song, the words remind me of Doug and all he is longing for (that hopefully he has found), and reminds me that I have my own dreamlover too. No tears just smiles and a promise to post and tag Doug when I get home.
Next song: Celine Dion "the Heart will go on" or whatever its called from the movie "the Titanic". It came out right after my dad passed away and I remember my mom saying she had to change the station when it would come on because she would think of my dad. They had the relationship that Andy and I have. They were married 30+ years and he was only 63 when he died. My mom a widow at 62. I usually change the station too. Tonight I didn't. I listened to every word and tears came out. Happy and sad. Happy that my mom has great memories, as do I. Sad that even though they had so many years together they could have had so many more.
So that was the tears...then I called my mom. All is well. She is picking my sister and niece and Joe up from the airport tomorrow and Alexis wants a Ted's hot dog for lunch, while Joe wants a beef on weck from Anderson's. It's Joe's first time to Buffalo. Luckily on Sheridan Dr. in Tonawanda they can score both right across from each other. I have dinner with the girls after my last day working at McKinley and the plan is to go to David and Michael's afterward as they are having everyone for taco night. And we discuss going to CT. We all want to go except Alexis...so that probably means we are going!
One more day of work at McKinley, vacation for 7 days, family in town. Life is good.
Things to remember: that I should have done something with music because it inspires me
I get in the car and the first song I hear on 96.1 Delilah is Mr. Big "To be with you". It was "our" song...me and Andy. Let me tell you how it came to be our song:
Picture it, Amherst, 1991 (I crack myself up). I am dating the guy next door (literally). I am 16 and its June and school is out for the summer. A bunch of us from the neighborhood decide to go to Putt Putt after dark. Said boyfriend from next door is dissing me, and there is this tall blonde kid (his friend oddly enough) who spends the whole night trying to cheer me up. I think this kid is annoying...I just wanna be bitchy! But this kid makes me laugh. And he is huge! Like a big teddy bear. Fast forward to the end of the summer. I dump said boyfriend and start to have a relationship with the big blonde teddy bear and every time we are together this song comes on by Mr. Big and the lyrics hit home:
I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you
Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
Wake up, who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you
Why be alone when we can be together baby?
You can make my life worthwhile
I can make you start to smile
So I hear this song and it makes me cry...happy tears. 20+ years together and he still wants to be with me and he still makes me smile. And, oddly enough the #222 has been prevalent in our relationship from day 1 and I log onto blogger tonight and it says my page has had 222 views. Coincidence, I think not.
Next song: Mariah Carey "dreamlover". Doug had a Mariah Carey dream the other day, I love the song, the words remind me of Doug and all he is longing for (that hopefully he has found), and reminds me that I have my own dreamlover too. No tears just smiles and a promise to post and tag Doug when I get home.
Next song: Celine Dion "the Heart will go on" or whatever its called from the movie "the Titanic". It came out right after my dad passed away and I remember my mom saying she had to change the station when it would come on because she would think of my dad. They had the relationship that Andy and I have. They were married 30+ years and he was only 63 when he died. My mom a widow at 62. I usually change the station too. Tonight I didn't. I listened to every word and tears came out. Happy and sad. Happy that my mom has great memories, as do I. Sad that even though they had so many years together they could have had so many more.
So that was the tears...then I called my mom. All is well. She is picking my sister and niece and Joe up from the airport tomorrow and Alexis wants a Ted's hot dog for lunch, while Joe wants a beef on weck from Anderson's. It's Joe's first time to Buffalo. Luckily on Sheridan Dr. in Tonawanda they can score both right across from each other. I have dinner with the girls after my last day working at McKinley and the plan is to go to David and Michael's afterward as they are having everyone for taco night. And we discuss going to CT. We all want to go except Alexis...so that probably means we are going!
One more day of work at McKinley, vacation for 7 days, family in town. Life is good.
Things to remember: that I should have done something with music because it inspires me
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Its been too long
So, I guess I have a lot to catch up on. Where to start?
I got the transfer to Boulevard so that is awesome!! I feel like it will be good for me. I am a little nervous because its a high theft store and they have lots of visits and audits but I think it will be good.
Jim got into a car accident the other day. A little nerve wracking...he went off the road right near the house and into the ditch and into the field across the street. A big mess...no health insurance so he didn't go to the doc, deep depression, lots of pain...finally went to the doc...he might have a tumor on the lung??? 2 days of moping and uncertainty...then diagnosed with concussion and air filled cyst on the lung...ugh! I think he is ok now but this depression and moping is for the birds.
So what else? Went to the camper last night. Had some burgers and hung out with Brad and Erika. She tells me all the time how much she liked Doug and wishes he was still here, he would be perfect for her sister. "I am not playing matchmaker with Doug anymore!!!" yells Andy. True that!
We got up this morning and went golfing...well, I went in the cart and rode along and so did Erika. I would like to get into golf though. I think I would like it. Maybe next time Andy goes up there he can get my clubs and we can head over to the driving range and I can get some practice in. Have I done any other exercise? Nope. Have I been eating right? Nope again. Been trying though. Maybe treadmill tomorrow. We finally got the carpets cleaned and things are getting cleaned up little by little so maybe tomorrow I can get in there and do at least 10-15 min to start and get used to it. Even if I just do it for 10-15 min a day I will feel better about it. Its just been so damn hot! Early before it gets to be scorching up there.
Sharon, Alexis and Joe come next week and I am super excited. We may go to CT for a few days to see family. And even if we don't, Alexis has Darien Lake planned, the jet boat, maybe some Maid of the Mist and Erie County Fair. Awesome...can't wait.
We went out to dinner with Paul tonight. He had chemo yesterday so he can work the tournament at Lancaster Country Club tomorrow and the next night. He has a good appetite for a few days after chemo so we went to Viking Lobster Co and mom and I split a 5 pounder. Yummy! It was nice to see Paul. He got his partial teeth so now he doesn't even look like he was even sick. He is down to 202 pounds and looks fabulous! Hasn't even lost his hair with any of the chemo so that is awesome!
What else? Who knows...been watching the olympics...watching right now as a matter of fact.
Life has been good. No complaints and hopefully once I get to Boulevard I can get into a more regular routine. Life has just been crazy lately. Busy after work and not getting to sit down until 9pm at night doesn't do well for starting an exercise routine. I know if I did it I would feel better...ugh!
Things to remember: Beamer doesn't like the car ride to the camper, but he likes it when he is finally there! Cupcake Sauvignon Blanc...delish! Finally feeling like things are coming together...
I got the transfer to Boulevard so that is awesome!! I feel like it will be good for me. I am a little nervous because its a high theft store and they have lots of visits and audits but I think it will be good.
Jim got into a car accident the other day. A little nerve wracking...he went off the road right near the house and into the ditch and into the field across the street. A big mess...no health insurance so he didn't go to the doc, deep depression, lots of pain...finally went to the doc...he might have a tumor on the lung??? 2 days of moping and uncertainty...then diagnosed with concussion and air filled cyst on the lung...ugh! I think he is ok now but this depression and moping is for the birds.
So what else? Went to the camper last night. Had some burgers and hung out with Brad and Erika. She tells me all the time how much she liked Doug and wishes he was still here, he would be perfect for her sister. "I am not playing matchmaker with Doug anymore!!!" yells Andy. True that!
We got up this morning and went golfing...well, I went in the cart and rode along and so did Erika. I would like to get into golf though. I think I would like it. Maybe next time Andy goes up there he can get my clubs and we can head over to the driving range and I can get some practice in. Have I done any other exercise? Nope. Have I been eating right? Nope again. Been trying though. Maybe treadmill tomorrow. We finally got the carpets cleaned and things are getting cleaned up little by little so maybe tomorrow I can get in there and do at least 10-15 min to start and get used to it. Even if I just do it for 10-15 min a day I will feel better about it. Its just been so damn hot! Early before it gets to be scorching up there.
Sharon, Alexis and Joe come next week and I am super excited. We may go to CT for a few days to see family. And even if we don't, Alexis has Darien Lake planned, the jet boat, maybe some Maid of the Mist and Erie County Fair. Awesome...can't wait.
We went out to dinner with Paul tonight. He had chemo yesterday so he can work the tournament at Lancaster Country Club tomorrow and the next night. He has a good appetite for a few days after chemo so we went to Viking Lobster Co and mom and I split a 5 pounder. Yummy! It was nice to see Paul. He got his partial teeth so now he doesn't even look like he was even sick. He is down to 202 pounds and looks fabulous! Hasn't even lost his hair with any of the chemo so that is awesome!
What else? Who knows...been watching the olympics...watching right now as a matter of fact.
Life has been good. No complaints and hopefully once I get to Boulevard I can get into a more regular routine. Life has just been crazy lately. Busy after work and not getting to sit down until 9pm at night doesn't do well for starting an exercise routine. I know if I did it I would feel better...ugh!
Things to remember: Beamer doesn't like the car ride to the camper, but he likes it when he is finally there! Cupcake Sauvignon Blanc...delish! Finally feeling like things are coming together...
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
my head is spinning
So I had an "interview" with Kim at Boulevard yesterday. It went well. I think the position is pretty much mine but she has to go through the motions of interviewing everyone interested. She is going to let me know later this week what the next step would be after she talks to Justine.
Also met with the DM at Talbots today. Very intrigued by that interview...would love for something to happen there. Convenient location and better hours. Different opportunity with clothing but using lots of the same skills and knowledge I have refined over the years. I could get to work in 15-20 min, work in the village that I am familiar with, with all the conveniences of Williamsville like restaurants and shopping...I could even sign up for yoga! ugh it would be a dream come true!!!
Went to FANA yesterday. Bought lots of raffle tickets and came home with 3 baskets of lots of goodies. Grill stuff, margarita mix and glasses, wine, even some Vera Bradley stuff that I will give to Kelly for all the BPO tickets she has given us. Also bought a chance for a ruby ring which I did not win, and we outright bought a night at the Belhurst Castle on Seneca Lake. Can't wait for that!
Went to a wake this afternoon for Mark Fischer's grandfather today. Awkward...I hate funerals as it is and Mark is a good friend but not in a warm/fuzzy kind of way. We have him for dinner and go to concerts with him and help him out with stuff around his house when he needs, but we have never met his family or anything. I never even met his girlfriend until today. Weird. Gramps was 93. Mark looked sad/lost. He has been taking care of his grandparents for quite some time now and was really close with them. Gram is all alone now. Very sad.
Then after the wake we went to La Tolteca for dinner. Its too hot to cook! It was delicious! Andy had steak and shrimp and I had green chile enchiladas. Delicious!
We need to get out to the garden and put some mulch/dirt around the plants so they have some room to grow, especially the cantaloupe and watermelon. And we have to trim the excess vines on the tomato plants....so until next time...
Things to remember: hottest day of the year today, hopeful for a new opportunity, feeling tired and hoping its just the heat
Also met with the DM at Talbots today. Very intrigued by that interview...would love for something to happen there. Convenient location and better hours. Different opportunity with clothing but using lots of the same skills and knowledge I have refined over the years. I could get to work in 15-20 min, work in the village that I am familiar with, with all the conveniences of Williamsville like restaurants and shopping...I could even sign up for yoga! ugh it would be a dream come true!!!
Went to FANA yesterday. Bought lots of raffle tickets and came home with 3 baskets of lots of goodies. Grill stuff, margarita mix and glasses, wine, even some Vera Bradley stuff that I will give to Kelly for all the BPO tickets she has given us. Also bought a chance for a ruby ring which I did not win, and we outright bought a night at the Belhurst Castle on Seneca Lake. Can't wait for that!
Went to a wake this afternoon for Mark Fischer's grandfather today. Awkward...I hate funerals as it is and Mark is a good friend but not in a warm/fuzzy kind of way. We have him for dinner and go to concerts with him and help him out with stuff around his house when he needs, but we have never met his family or anything. I never even met his girlfriend until today. Weird. Gramps was 93. Mark looked sad/lost. He has been taking care of his grandparents for quite some time now and was really close with them. Gram is all alone now. Very sad.
Then after the wake we went to La Tolteca for dinner. Its too hot to cook! It was delicious! Andy had steak and shrimp and I had green chile enchiladas. Delicious!
We need to get out to the garden and put some mulch/dirt around the plants so they have some room to grow, especially the cantaloupe and watermelon. And we have to trim the excess vines on the tomato plants....so until next time...
Things to remember: hottest day of the year today, hopeful for a new opportunity, feeling tired and hoping its just the heat
Friday, July 13, 2012
Vivid is an understatement
So when they gave me the prescription for the steroids a couple weeks ago the doctor warned me that I may have vivid dreams. Dreams I can remember even though I may not remember dreams normally. Well it hasn't happened, until last night. I don't know if it was because I forgot to take the steroids yesterday so maybe it was like withdrawl. I don't know but when I say freaky I mean flipping freaky.
The colors, the characters, the plot line, the action and suspense, the emotional feeling that I could feel in my sleep. WOW. I woke up with my heart racing and feeling like I was still in the dream and surrounded by the people that were in it. But I knew I was awake. I wanted to go back to sleep but was afraid to, but wanted to continue the dream anyway.
Holy crow that was wild.
It had characters from Wicked in it...gypsies, people I know. There were car chases, running from villians, feeling scared. And the colors...holy crap the colors!
But in the end I defeated the villian. That I remember. I don't know who the real life villian is but apparently I have the strength to defeat the villian. haha!!!
Things to remember: enough said...
The colors, the characters, the plot line, the action and suspense, the emotional feeling that I could feel in my sleep. WOW. I woke up with my heart racing and feeling like I was still in the dream and surrounded by the people that were in it. But I knew I was awake. I wanted to go back to sleep but was afraid to, but wanted to continue the dream anyway.
Holy crow that was wild.
It had characters from Wicked in it...gypsies, people I know. There were car chases, running from villians, feeling scared. And the colors...holy crap the colors!
But in the end I defeated the villian. That I remember. I don't know who the real life villian is but apparently I have the strength to defeat the villian. haha!!!
Things to remember: enough said...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
and the times they are a changing...
Well its been a while since my last blog so I thought I would catch up on what has been happening...
Andy got sick last week Friday. He woke up with a sore throat and ended up going to CMAC to see Further anyway that night and then spent the next 3 days pretty much in bed. He missed all my family from CT that came to town. I went to dinner at my cousin's house Sat night without him and then he missed the engagement party on Sun altogether. I worked Monday and went out to dinner with my mom, uncle and cousins and he ate some leftovers but the first meal he actually ate since he got sick was last night. Steak on the grill with cheesy vegetables and crab cakes. All from Walmart. He had gotten a script for prednisone earlier in the day so apparently the steroids gave him an appetite.
Visiting with the family was fun. Didn't get to spend too much time but we all had a great time at the engagement party on Sunday. It was a beautiful day and the food was amazing...done by Marotta's. Clams casino, stuffed hot peppers, stuffed mushrooms, chicken, roast beef, potatoes, and baked ziti. And then dessert deli cake and cookies! Yum!
Then Monday Sinatras...shrimp scampi...ugh it had been so long and it was so good!!! And Andy ate my leftovers. Boo. But he needed some nourishment so its ok.
Found out Tuesday that there is an opening at Boulevard mall...thank goodness! I think its pretty much in the bag but I have to meet with Kim and possibly interview with Justine. Thats fine. It will be nice to drive half the distance to work! And actually work where I am familiar with the territory. Hamburg sucks because I do nothing in the southtowns and know no one that lives out there. So its literally to work and back. Boring, expensive and hopefully almost over.
FANA event is Monday and I am looking forward to that too. Off Monday and Tuesday next week and then the weekend as well. Hopefully Tuesday Andy and I can spend the day at the waterfront. I would like to walk around down there and check things out like the bike paths and such that they are improving. Then after work on Friday we are planning to go out to Pike and stay for the weekend coming home on Sunday for the Allman Brothers concert at Darien lake. That will be fun! I need a little R&R and some time with my hubby!!! And he got me golf clubs so hopefully I will be able to get to use them!
Andy is thinking about applying for a job with Allys friend Bonnie that works with the developmentally disabled. Hopefully that will work out!
Oh, and the clock is ticking. Like almost everyday I think about maybe we should have a baby. Gosh...that would be a change for sure!
and the times, they are a changing...
Things to remember: really good food like 5 days in a row...maybe it was just the steroids. Andy sick. Wipeout. babies...ugh
Andy got sick last week Friday. He woke up with a sore throat and ended up going to CMAC to see Further anyway that night and then spent the next 3 days pretty much in bed. He missed all my family from CT that came to town. I went to dinner at my cousin's house Sat night without him and then he missed the engagement party on Sun altogether. I worked Monday and went out to dinner with my mom, uncle and cousins and he ate some leftovers but the first meal he actually ate since he got sick was last night. Steak on the grill with cheesy vegetables and crab cakes. All from Walmart. He had gotten a script for prednisone earlier in the day so apparently the steroids gave him an appetite.
Visiting with the family was fun. Didn't get to spend too much time but we all had a great time at the engagement party on Sunday. It was a beautiful day and the food was amazing...done by Marotta's. Clams casino, stuffed hot peppers, stuffed mushrooms, chicken, roast beef, potatoes, and baked ziti. And then dessert deli cake and cookies! Yum!
Then Monday Sinatras...shrimp scampi...ugh it had been so long and it was so good!!! And Andy ate my leftovers. Boo. But he needed some nourishment so its ok.
Found out Tuesday that there is an opening at Boulevard mall...thank goodness! I think its pretty much in the bag but I have to meet with Kim and possibly interview with Justine. Thats fine. It will be nice to drive half the distance to work! And actually work where I am familiar with the territory. Hamburg sucks because I do nothing in the southtowns and know no one that lives out there. So its literally to work and back. Boring, expensive and hopefully almost over.
FANA event is Monday and I am looking forward to that too. Off Monday and Tuesday next week and then the weekend as well. Hopefully Tuesday Andy and I can spend the day at the waterfront. I would like to walk around down there and check things out like the bike paths and such that they are improving. Then after work on Friday we are planning to go out to Pike and stay for the weekend coming home on Sunday for the Allman Brothers concert at Darien lake. That will be fun! I need a little R&R and some time with my hubby!!! And he got me golf clubs so hopefully I will be able to get to use them!
Andy is thinking about applying for a job with Allys friend Bonnie that works with the developmentally disabled. Hopefully that will work out!
Oh, and the clock is ticking. Like almost everyday I think about maybe we should have a baby. Gosh...that would be a change for sure!
and the times, they are a changing...
Things to remember: really good food like 5 days in a row...maybe it was just the steroids. Andy sick. Wipeout. babies...ugh
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Independence day
Had a great few days off the last 2 days. Last night was the DMB concert at Darien Lake with Ally, Mark, Angel, Angels bro who is out on leave from the Marines and his girlfriend Alexa, a couple of Ally's friends...good times. Did a pulled pork again and it was a hit as always. We had seats but it was so hot we ended up on the lawn anyway.
Small world. One of Allys friends (Bonnie) works at the group home my cousin lives in. She actually has taken care of Kathy for 10 years now and knows my aunt Cindy, my mom and even told me that she took Kathy to visit my grandmother in the nursing home before she passed away. Small world. She said Kathy is her baby...loves her dearly. Awesome.
ugh...almost forgot the poison ivy...apparently it is growing all over the side of our house and when I was pulling weeds a couple weeks ago I got a hefty dose of it. So much so I had to go to the dermatologist and get some steroids. Ugh...so itchy! all over my arms and a little on my legs and chest. nasty shit.
Crispy, Catherine and Chaeli came over today. Nice to see them. Had a nice dinner and visited with the baby. So weird to see Crispy feeding a baby and changing diapers! I think they had a good time too. So hot though. We brought the AC down from the bedroom and its better but still hot. Poor dogs...panting all day even after going in the pool.
So no fireworks for us. Can't remember the last time we went.
Family is coming to town for the engagement party this weekend. It will be nice to see them...from CT. Andy doesnt really know that side of the family so it will be nice to hang out. Oh and my sister is in Bermuda with Neil...hopefully having a nice time. Cant wait to meet him in September!
Things to remember: poison ivy sucks, hot and sweaty...rude awakening to my nap today. You and me at the concert last night...one of the best concerts I have been to.
Small world. One of Allys friends (Bonnie) works at the group home my cousin lives in. She actually has taken care of Kathy for 10 years now and knows my aunt Cindy, my mom and even told me that she took Kathy to visit my grandmother in the nursing home before she passed away. Small world. She said Kathy is her baby...loves her dearly. Awesome.
ugh...almost forgot the poison ivy...apparently it is growing all over the side of our house and when I was pulling weeds a couple weeks ago I got a hefty dose of it. So much so I had to go to the dermatologist and get some steroids. Ugh...so itchy! all over my arms and a little on my legs and chest. nasty shit.
Crispy, Catherine and Chaeli came over today. Nice to see them. Had a nice dinner and visited with the baby. So weird to see Crispy feeding a baby and changing diapers! I think they had a good time too. So hot though. We brought the AC down from the bedroom and its better but still hot. Poor dogs...panting all day even after going in the pool.
So no fireworks for us. Can't remember the last time we went.
Family is coming to town for the engagement party this weekend. It will be nice to see them...from CT. Andy doesnt really know that side of the family so it will be nice to hang out. Oh and my sister is in Bermuda with Neil...hopefully having a nice time. Cant wait to meet him in September!
Things to remember: poison ivy sucks, hot and sweaty...rude awakening to my nap today. You and me at the concert last night...one of the best concerts I have been to.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
getting back to normal
Well its been a crazy few weeks...can't even tell you whats been going on but just that its been ongoing. Non stop it seems.
Doug and the kids left Monday. Its sad but at the same time I feel a sense of relief for all of them. The turmoil is *hopefully* over and they can all get into a normal groove. I still can't believe how fucked up that whole situation turned out to be. Still shaking my head trying to figure out what went wrong and when. I can almost trace it back to when she finally realized he really wanted to be with her. I think she freaked or got possessive or something...whatever it is or was, its done. In a lot more ways than I thought it would be. I miss Doug and the kids but I think a trip down to see them every now and then is not impossible and I hope they come up and visit us occasionally. Would have been nice to have them here for the summer...oh well.
Work has actually been going pretty well. We seem to be getting better at communicating with each other and working together. The drive still sucks but as long as I don't dread going, its OK.
Off tomorrow and we are going to clean out the bedrooms in anticipation of Andy's parents coming to visit. I want to get the office made into a real looking bedroom for Andys gram and put a door up for her. Maybe get some shelves put up in the closet in the dining room like Doug suggested a while ago and Andy can use that closet for tools and such.
DMB concert next week and the 4th of July. We are planning on having some peeps over before the show like we always do. Gotta figure out what to make...pulled pork again? hmmm
I guess that is all...nothing much else going on.
Hiller had her baby on Monday. Kameron Joseph. Havent seen him yet but the pics are adorable. Kinda makes me want to have one. Time is a ticking...
Things to remember: staying up alone and watching CSI last night, cheesey potatoes, Follow you follow me on the ride home
Doug and the kids left Monday. Its sad but at the same time I feel a sense of relief for all of them. The turmoil is *hopefully* over and they can all get into a normal groove. I still can't believe how fucked up that whole situation turned out to be. Still shaking my head trying to figure out what went wrong and when. I can almost trace it back to when she finally realized he really wanted to be with her. I think she freaked or got possessive or something...whatever it is or was, its done. In a lot more ways than I thought it would be. I miss Doug and the kids but I think a trip down to see them every now and then is not impossible and I hope they come up and visit us occasionally. Would have been nice to have them here for the summer...oh well.
Work has actually been going pretty well. We seem to be getting better at communicating with each other and working together. The drive still sucks but as long as I don't dread going, its OK.
Off tomorrow and we are going to clean out the bedrooms in anticipation of Andy's parents coming to visit. I want to get the office made into a real looking bedroom for Andys gram and put a door up for her. Maybe get some shelves put up in the closet in the dining room like Doug suggested a while ago and Andy can use that closet for tools and such.
DMB concert next week and the 4th of July. We are planning on having some peeps over before the show like we always do. Gotta figure out what to make...pulled pork again? hmmm
I guess that is all...nothing much else going on.
Hiller had her baby on Monday. Kameron Joseph. Havent seen him yet but the pics are adorable. Kinda makes me want to have one. Time is a ticking...
Things to remember: staying up alone and watching CSI last night, cheesey potatoes, Follow you follow me on the ride home
Thursday, June 14, 2012
feeling poor but rich at the same time
So I say it all the time...I may not have much but I am happy. And I am...but I would definitely be happier with more money.
Pulled our credit reports today. No surprises there. Depressing. We really need to work on getting our credit rating back up. I just got the reports no scores. Maybe I should apply for a credit card. We are so bad with them though...but I guess it would help.
We have zero savings, next to nothing for retirement, no life insurance except for the one policy I have through work. Maybe I should talk to a financial advisor. Ha...no money to work with means...well, no money!
We cashed the check from Nicole today. Gosh that pains me. I don't want anything from her, but we need the money. Every item she has ever given me makes me cringe. Like they all have dollar amounts on them...something I owe her back. As I sit in the recliner that we paid $20 for. I want to take it outside and burn it.
Did some gardening today at my moms. Got some weeds pulled and cleaned things up so Andy can finish the mulch tomorrow or over the weekend. Next our house? Lets hope. I mean its only the middle of June. No garden for me I guess.
Work all weekend...Andy may go to Pike Friday night to Saturday. I work til 6:30 Sunday and I was thinking we could have Doug and the kids over for Father's Day. (So Doug, if you are reading, let me know. LOL.) I want Father's Day to be special for him since he is so far away from family right now. So, we are family...I hope that is how they feel anyway.
No days off again until next Thursday and Friday. Roger Waters concert the Wall on Thursday! Really looking forward to it. I know Brad and Erika are going and I think Debo. I was thinking about making pulled pork or carnitas or something. Something that we can just keep in the crock pot and eat before and after the show. We shall see.
I guess that is all for today...
Things to remember: feeling poor, back hurting from pulling weeds, andy snoring on the couch, the cool breeze, knowing that I may not have a lot, but I have a lot more than some people
Pulled our credit reports today. No surprises there. Depressing. We really need to work on getting our credit rating back up. I just got the reports no scores. Maybe I should apply for a credit card. We are so bad with them though...but I guess it would help.
We have zero savings, next to nothing for retirement, no life insurance except for the one policy I have through work. Maybe I should talk to a financial advisor. Ha...no money to work with means...well, no money!
We cashed the check from Nicole today. Gosh that pains me. I don't want anything from her, but we need the money. Every item she has ever given me makes me cringe. Like they all have dollar amounts on them...something I owe her back. As I sit in the recliner that we paid $20 for. I want to take it outside and burn it.
Did some gardening today at my moms. Got some weeds pulled and cleaned things up so Andy can finish the mulch tomorrow or over the weekend. Next our house? Lets hope. I mean its only the middle of June. No garden for me I guess.
Work all weekend...Andy may go to Pike Friday night to Saturday. I work til 6:30 Sunday and I was thinking we could have Doug and the kids over for Father's Day. (So Doug, if you are reading, let me know. LOL.) I want Father's Day to be special for him since he is so far away from family right now. So, we are family...I hope that is how they feel anyway.
No days off again until next Thursday and Friday. Roger Waters concert the Wall on Thursday! Really looking forward to it. I know Brad and Erika are going and I think Debo. I was thinking about making pulled pork or carnitas or something. Something that we can just keep in the crock pot and eat before and after the show. We shall see.
I guess that is all for today...
Things to remember: feeling poor, back hurting from pulling weeds, andy snoring on the couch, the cool breeze, knowing that I may not have a lot, but I have a lot more than some people
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Done with a lot of stuff
So I came back from vacation on Wednesday and I have realized I am done with a lot of shit I have been holding on to for way too long.
It is kind of sad how friendships just end sometimes. Maybe not even end but go on hiatus. No bad feelings, just going separate ways. I have been trying to hold on to a friendship that for the past year or so has really been bringing me down. I need to let go. For me, for the friend, for a lot of reasons.
I used to think that a girl needed girlfriends. Close girlfriends. Not even several, just one. That if you didn't have that one friend who was like a sister to you that you had missed out. That there must be something wrong with you...maybe you are a loner? I would happily live my life without ever having another girlfriend ever. I am so much happier being just one of the guys. I would rather spend time with my sister and niece and mom than any girlfriend I can think of.
Sure I have friends. Friends at work that I go out with. Girls I used to work with and used to go to school with that I am friends with on Facebook or whatever. We go to dinner, chat, text, etc. And that is all well and good. And that is all I need. They give me advice and I give them mine. We laugh and have a good time. There isn't any judging.
But lately I have come to realize that deep down, Andy is my best friend and the only one I really ever need. He gets me, he doesn't judge me. He listens. We have fun together without even thinking about it. We went on a 14 hour road trip and it was awesome! Listening to music, navigating, eating, talking, dreaming.
I would so much rather go fishing than go to the mall.
Am I weird?
Some people say I mold my life around Andy. I say Andy and I have molded our lives together. We do what I want, we do what he wants. We do what WE want.
And if you don't get it, and you don't understand it, and you judge me, then fuck you.
I have all I need, and all I want, and I may be broke, and I may have unfulfilled dreams but I wake up everyday and I AM HAPPY. Happy with less, happy with the unknown, happy with where we have come from and where we are going. I AM HAPPY in my own skin. I don't need to be dragged down into how you are never going to be happy in yours.
Looking around me I find lots of ladies with close guy friends, and hardly any girlfriends. My sister, my niece, a girl at work, me. I would so much rather confide in a guy friend than a girl these days. Girls are catty and manipulative and down right two faced.
So this is all over the place but its the first step in letting go. Its not forever, but right now, this friendship is not for me. I have a life to live and I am tired of feeling guilty about being happy without this weight on my shoulders. Every day gets a little easier. Its sad but its necessary.
Things to remember: The Hanukkah song, steaks and boobies, feeling lonely while Andy is at SPAC seeing DMB, rooting for the Kings to win the cup, Chinese food alone, hopeful for the future...a big weight off my shoulders...sad and happy at the same time. One chapter ending and another about to begin.
It is kind of sad how friendships just end sometimes. Maybe not even end but go on hiatus. No bad feelings, just going separate ways. I have been trying to hold on to a friendship that for the past year or so has really been bringing me down. I need to let go. For me, for the friend, for a lot of reasons.
I used to think that a girl needed girlfriends. Close girlfriends. Not even several, just one. That if you didn't have that one friend who was like a sister to you that you had missed out. That there must be something wrong with you...maybe you are a loner? I would happily live my life without ever having another girlfriend ever. I am so much happier being just one of the guys. I would rather spend time with my sister and niece and mom than any girlfriend I can think of.
Sure I have friends. Friends at work that I go out with. Girls I used to work with and used to go to school with that I am friends with on Facebook or whatever. We go to dinner, chat, text, etc. And that is all well and good. And that is all I need. They give me advice and I give them mine. We laugh and have a good time. There isn't any judging.
But lately I have come to realize that deep down, Andy is my best friend and the only one I really ever need. He gets me, he doesn't judge me. He listens. We have fun together without even thinking about it. We went on a 14 hour road trip and it was awesome! Listening to music, navigating, eating, talking, dreaming.
I would so much rather go fishing than go to the mall.
Am I weird?
Some people say I mold my life around Andy. I say Andy and I have molded our lives together. We do what I want, we do what he wants. We do what WE want.
And if you don't get it, and you don't understand it, and you judge me, then fuck you.
I have all I need, and all I want, and I may be broke, and I may have unfulfilled dreams but I wake up everyday and I AM HAPPY. Happy with less, happy with the unknown, happy with where we have come from and where we are going. I AM HAPPY in my own skin. I don't need to be dragged down into how you are never going to be happy in yours.
Looking around me I find lots of ladies with close guy friends, and hardly any girlfriends. My sister, my niece, a girl at work, me. I would so much rather confide in a guy friend than a girl these days. Girls are catty and manipulative and down right two faced.
So this is all over the place but its the first step in letting go. Its not forever, but right now, this friendship is not for me. I have a life to live and I am tired of feeling guilty about being happy without this weight on my shoulders. Every day gets a little easier. Its sad but its necessary.
Things to remember: The Hanukkah song, steaks and boobies, feeling lonely while Andy is at SPAC seeing DMB, rooting for the Kings to win the cup, Chinese food alone, hopeful for the future...a big weight off my shoulders...sad and happy at the same time. One chapter ending and another about to begin.
Monday, May 21, 2012
funsuckers
noun-people who put a damper on your fun, people who always find a way to create drama, people who you no longer want to spend time with because its too much of a hassle, people you have to walk on eggshells around, people who are easily offended even when what you are talking about has nothing to do with them, people who I don't want to be around.
They are everywhere lately. Am I better off without them? Feels that way sometimes. So many friends gone over the years and I ask myself "is it me"...or is it just life? I look at my mom and she has so many circles of friends...high school, grammar school even, work, my dad's friends...where am I going wrong? Am I going wrong or is it just the way life goes? Hesitating making the phone call or sending the text because you really don't want to call or even get the response but you know you *should* call because its the right thing to do. Let the calls get less and less, then eventually they won't happen at all. Its something that, if it does happen, if it does cease to exist (the friendship) I really think I may be ok with it. Nothing bitter, just drifting. Maybe to come together again at a different point in time. ugh sometimes I hate being a grown up.
And then seeing these people sucking the fun from others too...not cool.
Drama at work, drama in my personal life..ugh
Good news is my brother is out of the hospital! Possibly finding out soon when he can start chemo and get this cancer thing over with.
Things to remember: Andy Tess's baseball game that I missed most of, getting my brother at Buffalo General, mac and cheese when I got home. How much funsuckers suck!
They are everywhere lately. Am I better off without them? Feels that way sometimes. So many friends gone over the years and I ask myself "is it me"...or is it just life? I look at my mom and she has so many circles of friends...high school, grammar school even, work, my dad's friends...where am I going wrong? Am I going wrong or is it just the way life goes? Hesitating making the phone call or sending the text because you really don't want to call or even get the response but you know you *should* call because its the right thing to do. Let the calls get less and less, then eventually they won't happen at all. Its something that, if it does happen, if it does cease to exist (the friendship) I really think I may be ok with it. Nothing bitter, just drifting. Maybe to come together again at a different point in time. ugh sometimes I hate being a grown up.
And then seeing these people sucking the fun from others too...not cool.
Drama at work, drama in my personal life..ugh
Good news is my brother is out of the hospital! Possibly finding out soon when he can start chemo and get this cancer thing over with.
Things to remember: Andy Tess's baseball game that I missed most of, getting my brother at Buffalo General, mac and cheese when I got home. How much funsuckers suck!
Friday, May 4, 2012
emotionally drained
5am wake up
6am get to Roswell and check in at admissions
7am wait with Paul in pre-op
7:30am say our goodbyes and send him to the OR...6 hours for surgery
8am breakfast
9am phone call saying tooth extraction went well, sending samples for testing, all going well
10am waiting
11am samples back, no cancer in the lymph nodes, still doing well, proceeding with surgery
12pm waiting
1pm waiting
2pm taking longer than planned, everything going well still
3pm waiting
4pm waiting
5pm doc comes out finally, everything went well, complications possible with vocal chords, tumor was very close and there may be damage...watch for fluid buildup in the lung cavity, because of tooth extraction could be more prone to infection, come in right away...another patient died because he didnt want to come to the hospital...if any sign of infection (coughing blood/mucous come in!!!) sending to ICU should be able to see him soon...could go home early next week, additional pathology reports should be available by then
6pm low blood pressure, sweating...he maybe had a heart attack on the table? trying to stabalize...might need to send him to Buffalo General to get a cardiac catheter...will let you know
7pm stabalized...you should be able to go back in 15 min or so, all well, doc goes home
7:30pm call nurse...can we come back?
7:45pm different doc comes out...very serious arythmia (but not that word something else)...still trying to stabalize. might be a while...an hour? two? could still need catheter...we will call you and let you know
9pm stable for now...everything trending better...you can come back and see him but he is on a respirator so he can't talk but you can talk to him
monitors, tubes, bags, cords, beeps, glassy eyes, head nods, tears...
when we talk he wants to talk back...heart monitor beeps...nurse says he is stable, if we leave she will sedate him and he can rest and so can we...so we go
and we wait
Things to remember: driving to the hospital at 5:45am as the sun came up, sunflowers in the cafeteria, piano and harps playing in the lobby, watching a spider weave a web on the outside of the waiting room window on the 8th floor, the Buffalo skyline, losing it when I went in the ICU room, hearing "time of your life (good riddance)" on the ride home, skinny dogs
6am get to Roswell and check in at admissions
7am wait with Paul in pre-op
7:30am say our goodbyes and send him to the OR...6 hours for surgery
8am breakfast
9am phone call saying tooth extraction went well, sending samples for testing, all going well
10am waiting
11am samples back, no cancer in the lymph nodes, still doing well, proceeding with surgery
12pm waiting
1pm waiting
2pm taking longer than planned, everything going well still
3pm waiting
4pm waiting
5pm doc comes out finally, everything went well, complications possible with vocal chords, tumor was very close and there may be damage...watch for fluid buildup in the lung cavity, because of tooth extraction could be more prone to infection, come in right away...another patient died because he didnt want to come to the hospital...if any sign of infection (coughing blood/mucous come in!!!) sending to ICU should be able to see him soon...could go home early next week, additional pathology reports should be available by then
6pm low blood pressure, sweating...he maybe had a heart attack on the table? trying to stabalize...might need to send him to Buffalo General to get a cardiac catheter...will let you know
7pm stabalized...you should be able to go back in 15 min or so, all well, doc goes home
7:30pm call nurse...can we come back?
7:45pm different doc comes out...very serious arythmia (but not that word something else)...still trying to stabalize. might be a while...an hour? two? could still need catheter...we will call you and let you know
9pm stable for now...everything trending better...you can come back and see him but he is on a respirator so he can't talk but you can talk to him
monitors, tubes, bags, cords, beeps, glassy eyes, head nods, tears...
when we talk he wants to talk back...heart monitor beeps...nurse says he is stable, if we leave she will sedate him and he can rest and so can we...so we go
and we wait
Things to remember: driving to the hospital at 5:45am as the sun came up, sunflowers in the cafeteria, piano and harps playing in the lobby, watching a spider weave a web on the outside of the waiting room window on the 8th floor, the Buffalo skyline, losing it when I went in the ICU room, hearing "time of your life (good riddance)" on the ride home, skinny dogs
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Communication
ahh communication...why is it so hard? I went on an interview today at the Boulevard mall store and Kim asked me about a time when I had coached my boss...I had an example and thinking back on it I wondered, "why is it so hard to communicate with some people?". My boss being one of them. But only about certain things. There are days we can bullshit about anything and then there are days when its so hard to talk to her.
I take for granted sometimes the good communication Andy and I have. Maybe we didn't always communicate well. I am sure we didn't. I guess looking back I assume that it was because I was young, inexperienced at relationships and just didn't know any better. I guess its the same for others. Maybe they are just inexperienced. Or don't realize that their style of communicating isn't effective at getting their message across. It goes back to the blog about how you can't be heard if no one is listening. You can try to communicate but if your words fall on deaf ears what good is it? So that is where I would look inward and ask myself "if I am not getting the result I want, what can I do differently?".
Had a nice talk today with Kim and she shared a lot of insights with me. She calls herself "new Kim" now and refers to herself as "old Kim" when she describes how she handled situations in the past. She said she had a visit with our Regional manager who noticed the change in her management style and our Regional asked her "what was her turning point" and she said it was when she started listening. She started hearing what people around her really thought. That she was self centered, only cared about how something would benefit her or make her look to her peers and supervisors. She was surprised when she really started listening to what others were telling her because she hadn't perceived herself that way at all. She is determined to be the best, very competitive and strives to be an expert at whatever she does. She is very successful. Wants to be a District manager and was willing to leave her family for a year to move to another city to get experience. But one day she realized that her success could help others achieve their goals as well and its great to have a track record of promoting associates to managers but it benefits those associates just as much as it benefits her. Our DM even told her to stop constantly seeking approval from everyone...everyone knows you know how to do your job, that you are an expert at this or that. Stop trying to prove yourself to everyone and share your knowledge with them so they can be as good as you are. Very insightful today.
It took her 37 years to listen. Sounds like a simple concept. Listen.
Back to Andy. I really don't know why we communicate so well. I guess because we listen. We tell the truth. We respect each other. If I say something or do something to hurt him or piss him off I own up to it. God forbid I ever mess up one of his guns or fishing poles or whatever. If I did I would be honest about it, and apologize of course and let him know that I do respect him and his things and would never do anything on purpose to make him angry. And he would know. He would listen and be mad maybe for a while. But he would know I respect him and his things.
I feel like I am rambling here.
Like the turkey!!! He knows I didn't drive away on purpose with the turkey in the back of the truck! LOL! And he knows I didn't purposely ignore his calls! haha! Damn turkey!
So simplicity is the key...respect, listen, be honest. All will lead to good communication...in theory...right? So why is it so hard sometimes? Why is it so hard for some people?
Things to remember: driving all the way to the Boulevard mall with a turkey on the tailgate, smelly garbage at my mom's house, phones dinging and quacking non stop, Olive Garden's good coffee, cleaning the room for the kids
I take for granted sometimes the good communication Andy and I have. Maybe we didn't always communicate well. I am sure we didn't. I guess looking back I assume that it was because I was young, inexperienced at relationships and just didn't know any better. I guess its the same for others. Maybe they are just inexperienced. Or don't realize that their style of communicating isn't effective at getting their message across. It goes back to the blog about how you can't be heard if no one is listening. You can try to communicate but if your words fall on deaf ears what good is it? So that is where I would look inward and ask myself "if I am not getting the result I want, what can I do differently?".
Had a nice talk today with Kim and she shared a lot of insights with me. She calls herself "new Kim" now and refers to herself as "old Kim" when she describes how she handled situations in the past. She said she had a visit with our Regional manager who noticed the change in her management style and our Regional asked her "what was her turning point" and she said it was when she started listening. She started hearing what people around her really thought. That she was self centered, only cared about how something would benefit her or make her look to her peers and supervisors. She was surprised when she really started listening to what others were telling her because she hadn't perceived herself that way at all. She is determined to be the best, very competitive and strives to be an expert at whatever she does. She is very successful. Wants to be a District manager and was willing to leave her family for a year to move to another city to get experience. But one day she realized that her success could help others achieve their goals as well and its great to have a track record of promoting associates to managers but it benefits those associates just as much as it benefits her. Our DM even told her to stop constantly seeking approval from everyone...everyone knows you know how to do your job, that you are an expert at this or that. Stop trying to prove yourself to everyone and share your knowledge with them so they can be as good as you are. Very insightful today.
It took her 37 years to listen. Sounds like a simple concept. Listen.
Back to Andy. I really don't know why we communicate so well. I guess because we listen. We tell the truth. We respect each other. If I say something or do something to hurt him or piss him off I own up to it. God forbid I ever mess up one of his guns or fishing poles or whatever. If I did I would be honest about it, and apologize of course and let him know that I do respect him and his things and would never do anything on purpose to make him angry. And he would know. He would listen and be mad maybe for a while. But he would know I respect him and his things.
I feel like I am rambling here.
Like the turkey!!! He knows I didn't drive away on purpose with the turkey in the back of the truck! LOL! And he knows I didn't purposely ignore his calls! haha! Damn turkey!
So simplicity is the key...respect, listen, be honest. All will lead to good communication...in theory...right? So why is it so hard sometimes? Why is it so hard for some people?
Things to remember: driving all the way to the Boulevard mall with a turkey on the tailgate, smelly garbage at my mom's house, phones dinging and quacking non stop, Olive Garden's good coffee, cleaning the room for the kids
Monday, April 30, 2012
Change on the horizon?
Haven't blogged in a while. Been feeling better I guess. Had a good time at Jack's First Communion party Saturday night after a grueling day at work...we were short $1097 on the quarter and managed to pull it out by $22. That was pressure! Its not a great bonus, but a few hundred dollars in a couple weeks and as a store we look good on paper...united to win!
In other career news I will be interviewing tomorrow for a position at the Boulevard mall store. It would be a temporary position as the comanager there for the summer, June thru September. Long and complicated but there is a store manager in Rochester going out on maternity leave and another in Buffalo who was diagnosed with breast cancer and they are doing some "growth assignments" and moving some people into different positions to cover those managers while they are out. It would be really nice to be at Boulevard for the summer. Closer, learn some things from different managers, try something new! Kind of excited and I hope it goes well...fingers crossed!
Andy was approved for another 13 weeks of unemployment so that is a relief...I just hope he is able to figure out what it is that he wants to do and I really hope it isn't collections. I don't know what I want him to do, but something different for sure!
I still am not motivated to do any form of working out at all and I get disgusted with myself and the way I look. I at least asked yesterday if the treadmill was plugged in. I can get at it now, maybe tomorrow. I know it will feel so good when I actually start moving...I just don't know why I can't get motivated? Tomorrow...
I had such plans for tomorrow too...forgetting it was opening of turkey season. And then I scheduled the interview. And then I told my mom I would stop by. I had such plans of sleeping in with Andy, maybe doing some cleaning, make a nice dinner, just relax with him. His back has been all contorted lately helping Brad move stuff, cleaning out the basement and its probably still out of whack since our trip to SC. I thought I could give him a nice back rub, we could have a nice dinner, watch some hockey, etc. But, instead he is getting up at 5am to shoot turkey, I am going to an interview at Boulevard at 10, then stopping to see my mom (who not only got an iphone, but also a new computer today), then Andy is helping Doug move some stuff before he goes to NC. I don't think we have the kids till Wednesday? Maybe we can do something with them Thursday night? I work Wednesday night and Paul's surgery is Friday...
I guess that is all. Been trying to connect with Nicole and haven't. She left me a message, I left her one, she left me one, I left her one...
Allie got a new job and was supposed to come over last Sunday but cancelled since she started Monday...left her a message too to wish her well this week and let her know we would see her soon.
Getting better at the phone thing but I still hate talking on the phone.
OK, getting tired. Going to watch the news, catch up on facebook and say goodnight.
Things to remember: being surprised that Andy commented on Doug's blog, but happy about it...fingers crossed for Boulevard, driving home in the rain, hopes for better days...for everyone
In other career news I will be interviewing tomorrow for a position at the Boulevard mall store. It would be a temporary position as the comanager there for the summer, June thru September. Long and complicated but there is a store manager in Rochester going out on maternity leave and another in Buffalo who was diagnosed with breast cancer and they are doing some "growth assignments" and moving some people into different positions to cover those managers while they are out. It would be really nice to be at Boulevard for the summer. Closer, learn some things from different managers, try something new! Kind of excited and I hope it goes well...fingers crossed!
Andy was approved for another 13 weeks of unemployment so that is a relief...I just hope he is able to figure out what it is that he wants to do and I really hope it isn't collections. I don't know what I want him to do, but something different for sure!
I still am not motivated to do any form of working out at all and I get disgusted with myself and the way I look. I at least asked yesterday if the treadmill was plugged in. I can get at it now, maybe tomorrow. I know it will feel so good when I actually start moving...I just don't know why I can't get motivated? Tomorrow...
I had such plans for tomorrow too...forgetting it was opening of turkey season. And then I scheduled the interview. And then I told my mom I would stop by. I had such plans of sleeping in with Andy, maybe doing some cleaning, make a nice dinner, just relax with him. His back has been all contorted lately helping Brad move stuff, cleaning out the basement and its probably still out of whack since our trip to SC. I thought I could give him a nice back rub, we could have a nice dinner, watch some hockey, etc. But, instead he is getting up at 5am to shoot turkey, I am going to an interview at Boulevard at 10, then stopping to see my mom (who not only got an iphone, but also a new computer today), then Andy is helping Doug move some stuff before he goes to NC. I don't think we have the kids till Wednesday? Maybe we can do something with them Thursday night? I work Wednesday night and Paul's surgery is Friday...
I guess that is all. Been trying to connect with Nicole and haven't. She left me a message, I left her one, she left me one, I left her one...
Allie got a new job and was supposed to come over last Sunday but cancelled since she started Monday...left her a message too to wish her well this week and let her know we would see her soon.
Getting better at the phone thing but I still hate talking on the phone.
OK, getting tired. Going to watch the news, catch up on facebook and say goodnight.
Things to remember: being surprised that Andy commented on Doug's blog, but happy about it...fingers crossed for Boulevard, driving home in the rain, hopes for better days...for everyone
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
A better day
Not a great day but better. Still yucky outside but trying to keep the sun shining within. Off tomorrow so that helps. Plans to clean, which it looks like Andy has already started. I want less stuff and more space, but if I have less stuff shouldn't I need less space?
My boss gave her financial advisor my phone # and he called me today and left a message. I just don't know what to do...we need help with our finances but how can he help with no income? We need to improve our credit score and start saving but I just don't see how. I guess that is where he would come in. But I just don't see how he can help. We are stretched to the gills so where would he be able to get us to put more in savings for the future. Yet another reason I cannot fathom how people with kids do it. They say that the money just comes, or you just adjust but I can't even budget to fill the gas tank much less would I be able to afford diapers or day care. Geez was that the clock ticking or what? Ugh!
Haven't heard from the in-laws...they were in Savannah for a couple of days before FIL (father in law) starts chemo. Hope they had a good time.
My sister turns 51 today...can't wait until May 30th when we go to Florida!
Thats all I got now...maybe more later...
Things to remember: being happy that Andy did some cleaning and rearranging today so we can do more tomorrow and we already have a head start!
My boss gave her financial advisor my phone # and he called me today and left a message. I just don't know what to do...we need help with our finances but how can he help with no income? We need to improve our credit score and start saving but I just don't see how. I guess that is where he would come in. But I just don't see how he can help. We are stretched to the gills so where would he be able to get us to put more in savings for the future. Yet another reason I cannot fathom how people with kids do it. They say that the money just comes, or you just adjust but I can't even budget to fill the gas tank much less would I be able to afford diapers or day care. Geez was that the clock ticking or what? Ugh!
Haven't heard from the in-laws...they were in Savannah for a couple of days before FIL (father in law) starts chemo. Hope they had a good time.
My sister turns 51 today...can't wait until May 30th when we go to Florida!
Thats all I got now...maybe more later...
Things to remember: being happy that Andy did some cleaning and rearranging today so we can do more tomorrow and we already have a head start!
Monday, April 23, 2012
back to the grind
Well so much for new beginnings and blah blah blah...same old same old. I gotta get out of this rut! I hate everything today. Hate my house, hate my job, hate that we are broke, hate everything except Andy. I just want to wake up tomorrow to everything different. Keep the people but change everything else.
Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe today was just get back into the groove and tomorrow everything will look up. It snowed today, not cool. I hate snow too.
Ugh...maybe I am just tired? I just sit here and look around and I can't stand the way the house is always a mess. No matter how I clean, what I get rid of, how I rearrange...its always messy looking to me. I can't wait to move...maybe in a few years. Ugh.
And why can we never catch up on bills? Always behind. I would say Andy should get a job but honestly I am nervous for his unemployment to run out. I think he is making more on u/e than he will when he can get a job. Ugh! Is it ever going to end?
I prefer life on vacation...bills are non existent, no house to clean, just pure bliss of walking on the beach and fishing and spending time with Andy.
On a side note, I need to find out when chick-fil-a plans on opening in NY. I had it for the first time in SC and it was delicious!
So tomorrow...get home after work and start cleaning? Maybe? Start putting us on a budget? Maybe? Arrange the office so I can set up my treadmill and stop feeling fat and lazy? Maybe? Or veg out on the couch and watch hockey with Andy eating food that isn't healthy? Maybe? Ugh...I hate this rut!
Would a new job make me happy? A new place to live? More money? Less bills? Probably not...I would probably find something else to bitch about.
Tomorrow will be a happier blog...yes, think positive...it all starts with me...blah blah blah...
Things to remember: the snow that really wasn't, Andy so happy to get my moms car back in one piece and then the power seat breaks after he takes it to Delta Sonic, wearing flannel pjs wishing I was still in SC walking on the beach...note to self...retire near the ocean
Tomorrow is a new day. Maybe today was just get back into the groove and tomorrow everything will look up. It snowed today, not cool. I hate snow too.
Ugh...maybe I am just tired? I just sit here and look around and I can't stand the way the house is always a mess. No matter how I clean, what I get rid of, how I rearrange...its always messy looking to me. I can't wait to move...maybe in a few years. Ugh.
And why can we never catch up on bills? Always behind. I would say Andy should get a job but honestly I am nervous for his unemployment to run out. I think he is making more on u/e than he will when he can get a job. Ugh! Is it ever going to end?
I prefer life on vacation...bills are non existent, no house to clean, just pure bliss of walking on the beach and fishing and spending time with Andy.
On a side note, I need to find out when chick-fil-a plans on opening in NY. I had it for the first time in SC and it was delicious!
So tomorrow...get home after work and start cleaning? Maybe? Start putting us on a budget? Maybe? Arrange the office so I can set up my treadmill and stop feeling fat and lazy? Maybe? Or veg out on the couch and watch hockey with Andy eating food that isn't healthy? Maybe? Ugh...I hate this rut!
Would a new job make me happy? A new place to live? More money? Less bills? Probably not...I would probably find something else to bitch about.
Tomorrow will be a happier blog...yes, think positive...it all starts with me...blah blah blah...
Things to remember: the snow that really wasn't, Andy so happy to get my moms car back in one piece and then the power seat breaks after he takes it to Delta Sonic, wearing flannel pjs wishing I was still in SC walking on the beach...note to self...retire near the ocean
Sunday, April 22, 2012
It's been a while...
Well it sure has been a while hasn't it? I have been told I have not blogged enough...so here I am. I am just back from vacation and I feel refreshed...kind of. I have lots to do and hopefully tomorrow is a new day and I can do all the things I have been putting off for so long. Getting the house cleaned up and cleared out, starting to use my treadmill, planting (well planning) the garden (to plant after the snowfall tomorrow), looking forward to the next vacation, etc.
Where to start? I don't really know where the year has gone so far...its almost May and I feel like it was just Christmas. So much has happened I can't recap it all here. Doug moved here, I thought things were OK but they were far from it. Doug was moving back to NC and now he is staying. Ugh...I don't even know what to think anymore. I was so hopeful for the two of them (Doug and Nicole)...for Doug to move here with the kids and start a new life with her, with us...I am still hopeful but its definitely not what I envisioned. Its so hard...it shouldn't be so hard...I guess because there are a lot of other variables I don't quite understand. I just hope it works out and everyone ends up happy because that is all I ever wanted and all anyone really deserves. Especially the kids. They are resilient. I hope the most that they slowly drift away from their mother. Its terrible to say. I hope she cleans up her act and can someday be a real mom to them. But seriously? I have no optimism there. Too bad.
Vacation...driving 14 hours with Andy. Awesome. We took my moms car. Sirius XM radio, ipod connection...nice. Someday we will have money to get a nice car, right? I wonder sometimes.
It was nice to visit with the family, except for the fact that about 2 hours into our stay Andy's dad dropped the bomb on him that he has liver cancer. Fantastic. Explains why he quit drinking. He goes for his first treatment Wed, 4/25. He is not eligible for a transplant and the tumors are too large to remove so they are only doing chemo. My brother's cancer is only in the lung. He is scheduled to have his entire left lung removed on 5/4. Keeping my fingers crossed for both.
We did some walking on the beach, some fishing, went out to eat, went to the concert (Warren Haynes Band) and just had some nice family time. Andy didn't get to go fishing for catfish but he found out where to go and found out a little more about surf fishing so maybe we can do that the next time we go down there.
And now we are home...back to work tomorrow. Blah. I hope I can work for my cousins sooner than later. Right now, just looking forward to going to Florida May 30-June 6 for Alexis's graduation. I have never been to visit my sister with Andy so this should be fun. If my brother isn't back to work by then and my uncle doesn't go with us then maybe Paul can go in his place. That would be nice. It doesn't sound like he will need chemo and radiation if they remove the lung and all the cancer. Fingers crossed.
That's all I got. Oh, and Andy turned 40. Not exactly the birthday he dreamed of I am sure...driving 5 hours to Wytheville, VA and staying in a hotel overnight and driving 8 hours the next day. We had a jacuzzi suite so that was nice and relaxing...I wish we had one at home. We ate dinner late at Applebee's...not your dream dinner for your 40th but oh well. His present from me will be RUSH concert tickets for October...it will be around my birthday and our anniversary as well so maybe we can make a weekend out of it and get a hotel and just chill out even if it is in Buffalo...
Things to remember...walks on the beach, fishing off the pier, silence in the car, staying at the Fairfield Inn in Wytheville, VA, daydreaming of all the houses I would buy all over the world if I won the lottery...
Where to start? I don't really know where the year has gone so far...its almost May and I feel like it was just Christmas. So much has happened I can't recap it all here. Doug moved here, I thought things were OK but they were far from it. Doug was moving back to NC and now he is staying. Ugh...I don't even know what to think anymore. I was so hopeful for the two of them (Doug and Nicole)...for Doug to move here with the kids and start a new life with her, with us...I am still hopeful but its definitely not what I envisioned. Its so hard...it shouldn't be so hard...I guess because there are a lot of other variables I don't quite understand. I just hope it works out and everyone ends up happy because that is all I ever wanted and all anyone really deserves. Especially the kids. They are resilient. I hope the most that they slowly drift away from their mother. Its terrible to say. I hope she cleans up her act and can someday be a real mom to them. But seriously? I have no optimism there. Too bad.
Vacation...driving 14 hours with Andy. Awesome. We took my moms car. Sirius XM radio, ipod connection...nice. Someday we will have money to get a nice car, right? I wonder sometimes.
It was nice to visit with the family, except for the fact that about 2 hours into our stay Andy's dad dropped the bomb on him that he has liver cancer. Fantastic. Explains why he quit drinking. He goes for his first treatment Wed, 4/25. He is not eligible for a transplant and the tumors are too large to remove so they are only doing chemo. My brother's cancer is only in the lung. He is scheduled to have his entire left lung removed on 5/4. Keeping my fingers crossed for both.
We did some walking on the beach, some fishing, went out to eat, went to the concert (Warren Haynes Band) and just had some nice family time. Andy didn't get to go fishing for catfish but he found out where to go and found out a little more about surf fishing so maybe we can do that the next time we go down there.
And now we are home...back to work tomorrow. Blah. I hope I can work for my cousins sooner than later. Right now, just looking forward to going to Florida May 30-June 6 for Alexis's graduation. I have never been to visit my sister with Andy so this should be fun. If my brother isn't back to work by then and my uncle doesn't go with us then maybe Paul can go in his place. That would be nice. It doesn't sound like he will need chemo and radiation if they remove the lung and all the cancer. Fingers crossed.
That's all I got. Oh, and Andy turned 40. Not exactly the birthday he dreamed of I am sure...driving 5 hours to Wytheville, VA and staying in a hotel overnight and driving 8 hours the next day. We had a jacuzzi suite so that was nice and relaxing...I wish we had one at home. We ate dinner late at Applebee's...not your dream dinner for your 40th but oh well. His present from me will be RUSH concert tickets for October...it will be around my birthday and our anniversary as well so maybe we can make a weekend out of it and get a hotel and just chill out even if it is in Buffalo...
Things to remember...walks on the beach, fishing off the pier, silence in the car, staying at the Fairfield Inn in Wytheville, VA, daydreaming of all the houses I would buy all over the world if I won the lottery...
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